Love Is the Beginning of Healing

Recently, while I was away, my heart had space to become quiet. In that stillness, something beautiful came through during my morning meditation:

To heal, we must love.
To grow, we must love.
To stand in our truth and in our power, we must hold our boundaries fiercely… in love.

Those words have stayed with me, and I wanted to share them with you.

We often believe that loving others means sacrificing pieces of ourselves. Sometimes compromise is healthy. Relationships require flexibility, understanding, and grace. But there is a difference between compromising and abandoning ourselves.

When we continually make ourselves smaller so someone else can be more comfortable, we slowly disconnect from who we truly are. We silence our voice. We ignore our needs. We trade authenticity for acceptance.

Love was never meant to ask us to disappear.

Real love invites us to be fully ourselves while allowing others to do the same. It asks us to be compassionate not only toward those around us but also toward ourselves. Healthy boundaries are not walls that keep people out, they are loving commitments to honor our own spirit.

Lately I've also been reflecting on the words we use.

What if, instead of saying we were triggered, we began saying we were activated?

Words carry energy.

For me, triggered often feels like a word that keeps us connected to the wound. Activated, while acknowledging that something painful has surfaced, also suggests movement. It reminds us that something within us has been awakened and is asking for our attention.

When someone activates you, perhaps that moment becomes an invitation rather than simply a reaction.

Instead of asking, "How could they do this to me?" we might ask:

• Why did this affect me so deeply?

• What is this reminding me of?

• Where did this wound begin?

• What part of me is asking to be loved and healed?

The person who activated your emotions may not be the one who created the original hurt. Yet without awareness, we can unintentionally direct old pain toward someone who simply brushed against an unhealed place.

Healing asks something different of us.

It asks us to slow down before we react. To regulate our emotions rather than allowing them to regulate us. To become curious instead of defensive. To choose reflection before projection.

This isn't about blaming ourselves for what happened to us. We are not responsible for every wound we've received.

But we are responsible for what we do with those wounds once we become aware of them.

Healing is not always easy. It isn't linear. It takes courage, patience, and compassion. Yet every time we choose to look inward with honesty instead of outward with blame, we reclaim another piece of ourselves.

So the next time you feel activated, pause.

Take a breath.

Ask yourself what within you is asking to be seen.

Meet that place with love instead of judgment.

Because healing begins the moment we stop running from our pain and start listening to what it has been trying to teach us all along.

May we love deeply.
May we grow courageously.
May we honor our truth with kindness.
And may we remember that the most important relationship we will ever cultivate is the one we have with ourselves.

With love,
Earth Woven Wisdom

Change is an inevitable part of life, yet the journey toward embracing it often feels daunting. Many of us sense the need for transformation but find ourselves grappling with hesitation that holds us back. Understanding our readiness to face the hard truths is essential for embarking on meaningful change. Let's dive into the complexities of change, the challenge of confronting uncomfortable truths, and how to navigate this transformative journey.

Understanding the Hesitation to Change

It is common for individuals to experience a mix of excitement and fear when contemplating significant changes in their lives. This duality often stems from a natural human desire to remain in familiar territory. The comfort of routine provides a sense of security, yet the awareness that change is necessary can create a significant internal conflict. (The magic we are waiting for lies outside the ring of our comfort zone).
This conflict can manifest in detrimental ways. We may find ourselves postponing decisions, engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors, or remaining passive in the face of growth opportunities. Recognizing this hesitation is the first step toward understanding what truly holds us back and assessing our readiness to make a change.

The Importance of Confronting Hard Truths

Accepting hard truths is pivotal in the journey of change. These truths often reveal aspects of our lives that we might have been avoiding. They serve as a wake-up call, allowing us to gain clarity on our situations.

For instance, acknowledging that a job does not fulfill us, recognizing unhealthy relationship patterns, or admitting that our habits are detrimental to our well-being can be incredibly uncomfortable. However, this discomfort is a necessary precursor to growth. When we accept these realities, we empower ourselves to take actionable steps toward transformation.

In fact, confronting hard truths can be liberating. It often leads to a clearer understanding of our goals, desires, and values, allowing us to align our actions with our true selves.

A symbolic representation of embarking on a life-changing journey surrounded by nature.

Assessing Readiness for Change

So, how do we assess our readiness to change? One effective approach is through self-reflection. Ask yourself probing questions like:

• In what aspects of my life am I dissatisfied?

• What steps have I avoided that I know I should take?

• How would my life improve if I embraced change?

Reflecting on these questions can help identify what needs to be addressed and how ready you are to face any discomfort that might arise during the transformation process.

Furthermore, it can be beneficial to seek feedback from trusted friends or mentors. Often, our perceptions can be clouded. Our perceptions come from our past experiences, and an external perspective can highlight blind spots in our reasoning.

Facing Fears and Building Resilience

Fear is a natural response to the unknown. Thus, when contemplating change, it’s essential to acknowledge and explore these fears rather than allow them to dictate your decisions.

Consider keeping a journal as a means to articulate your fears. Writing them down diminishes their power, allowing you to confront and analyze each one and ultimately correct them.

For instance, you might tell yourself that you're better off being alone than in a relationship. But what you're really saying is that you're afraid of being hurt again. By putting this fear into words, you can begin to dismantle it. Ask yourself: Where did this fear originate? Can you learn from it and move forward, rather than simply shutting down?

Challenge each fear by writing a positive affirmation alongside it. For example, I am ready for a relationship that honors me, that is true to me, that is loyal and genuine. As you explore dating, use the lessons you've learned from the past as a guide, not as a barrier. They'll help you recognize who aligns with your needs and who doesn't.

Building resilience is also an important element of embracing change. This involves cultivating an attitude of adaptability and maintaining an open mind even in the face of adversity. Strategies such as mindfulness, deep breathing techniques, and self-compassion can help foster resilience.

Cultivating a Supportive Environment

Surrounding yourself with a supportive network boosts your readiness for change. Whether it’s friends, family, or support groups, having a circle that encourages growth can be invaluable.

Open conversations about your ambitions and the challenges you face can create accountability. Sometimes, simply knowing that others believe in your ability to change can ignite the drive you need to take the first step.
Moreover, consider seeking resources such as books, workshops, or coaching that align with your transformation goals. Engaging with materials that inspire you can serve as a motivational catalyst in your pursuit of change.

Taking Action: Small Steps Matter

When ready to embrace change, it's essential to remember that the journey often starts with small steps. Trying to overhaul your life in one go can be overwhelming. Instead, focus on incremental changes that lead to substantial results over time.

For example, if the goal is to adopt a healthier lifestyle, begin with minor adjustments such as replacing soda with soda water or incorporating a short walk into your daily routine. The key is to create habits that are sustainable and to celebrate small victories along the way.

Bit by bit, you can weave these new habits into your life, gradually paving the way for larger transformations.

The Journey of Change is Ongoing

It’s essential to remember that the process of embracing change is continual and often non-linear. Even after major life transitions, new challenges will arise that may require further adaptation and acceptance of hard truths.

Remaining committed to a mindset of growth helps facilitate this ongoing journey. Embrace the idea that the changes you initiate can evolve over time and that you have the innate ability to respond to these shifts.

Conclusion

In conclusion, embracing change requires more than just acknowledging the need for it; it demands a willingness to confront hard truths and assess our own readiness. As uncomfortable as this process can be, it ultimately leads to personal growth and transformation.

By understanding our hesitations, engaging in honest self-reflection, and surrounding ourselves with a supportive network, we set the stage for impactful change.

As you consider your journey, remember that change is a continuous process filled with both challenges and rewards. Cultivating resilience and taking small, actionable steps are vital in this transformative undertaking. With time and effort, the discomfort of confrontation can become a powerful catalyst for positive evolution in our lives.

@Jenny 2020

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

Growing up, we knew them as the villains. The monsters. The ones to fear.

Medusa, the snake-haired Gorgon, whose very gaze turned men to stone.

Maleficent, the dark fairy who cursed an innocent baby out of spite.

These were the stories we were fed. Simple narratives with clear villains and heroes. But like so many stories written by those in power, they left out the most important part: What happened BEFORE they became the "monsters"?

The Women They Called Monsters Teach Us How to Be Unbreakable! 

The Truth They Didn't Want You to Know

Let's tell the real story.

Medusa: The Priestess Who Was Punished for Being Violated

Medusa was once a beautiful young woman, a devoted priestess of Athena who had taken a vow of celibacy to serve the goddess she loved. She was faithful. She was pure. She was dedicated. Then Poseidon, the powerful god of the seas, saw her and wanted her. In some versions, he seduced her. In others, the ones that ring most true, he forced himself upon her. And where did this violation happen? In Athena's own temple. When Athena discovered what had occurred in her sacred space, she was enraged. But she couldn't punish Poseidon; he was a god, untouchable, protected by divine privilege.

So instead, she punished the victim. Athena transformed Medusa, the woman who had devoted her life to her, the woman who had been violated in her temple, into a monster. Her beautiful hair became writhing serpents. Her lovely face became something men couldn't look upon without turning to stone. Medusa was cast out. Exiled. Made into the villain of a story where she was the one who had been wronged.

Maleficent: The Betrayed Protector

We see this same pattern in Maleficent's story, particularly in the retelling that peels back the fairy tale veneer. Maleficent wasn't born evil. She was a powerful fairy, a protector of her realm, someone who loved deeply and trusted fully. She opened her heart to Stefan, who she believed loved her in return. But Stefan wanted power more than love. And he knew that to become king, he needed to defeat the powerful Maleficent. So he betrayed her in the most intimate, violating way; he drugged her and cut off her wings while she slept, taking her power to claim his throne. Then he painted HER as the villain. The dangerous one. The monster who needed to be feared.

The Pattern: How Power Protects Itself

Do you see it?

The one who holds power commits the violation. The victim is then transformed, by that very power, into the villain of the story.

It's not just mythology. It's a tale as old as time, replayed in countless lives:

• The one who speaks up about abuse is called "difficult" or "crazy"

• The person who sets boundaries is labeled "cold" or "mean"

• The survivor who shows their scars is told they're "dwelling in the past"

• The one who refuses to shrink is painted as "too much"

Medusa and Maleficent aren't just ancient stories. They're mirrors held up to a pattern that still exists today, where those who are hurt are often recast as the ones who are dangerous.

But Here's Where the Real Power Begins

Because here's what those who wrote these stories didn't count on:

Medusa OWNED her transformation. Maleficent RECLAIMED her narrative.

They didn't spend their lives begging to be seen as beautiful again. They didn't apologize for becoming what pain and betrayal had forged them into.

Instead, they became something those in power truly had reason to fear.

Medusa: The Gaze That Holds Boundaries

After her transformation, Medusa's gaze became her greatest power. Anyone who looked upon her turned to stone. Think about that symbolically. She no longer had to explain herself. She no longer had to plead her case or convince anyone of her worth. She no longer had to tolerate those who came at her with ill intent.

Her very presence, her authentic, unmasked presence, stopped violators in their tracks.

This is the power of fierce boundaries. This is what it means to no longer shrink yourself to make others comfortable. When you fully own who you are, when you stop apologizing for your transformation, when you refuse to dim your power, you become the kind of force that makes those with bad intentions turn away.

Medusa teaches us: Your fierce truth is your protection.

Maleficent: The Love That Comes After

Maleficent's journey takes us one step further.

After her betrayal, after her transformation into the so-called villain, she could have closed her heart forever. She could have decided that all love leads to pain, that trust is for fools, that power is all that matters. And for a time, perhaps she did.

But then came Aurora. The daughter of her betrayer. The child she had cursed in her rage and pain. And Maleficent, this "villain," this "monster," discovered something profound: She could still love. Her heart wasn't dead. Her capacity for tenderness hadn't been destroyed by what was done to her. She learned that loving again after betrayal isn't weakness, it's the ultimate reclamation of power. It's refusing to let those who hurt you dictate how you move through the rest of your life.

The Gifts They Carry: Resilience, Power, and Fierce Love

So what do Medusa and Maleficent really teach us?

1. You Are Not Defined by What Was Done to You

Yes, terrible things happened to them. Violations. Betrayals. Injustices.

But their stories don't end there. They transformed their pain into something else, into presence, into power, into protection. You are not just what happened to you. You are what you become in response to it.

2. Your Boundaries Are Sacred and Powerful

Medusa's gaze stopped violators cold. She didn't have to explain, justify, or soften herself.

When you hold your boundaries with that kind of unwavering certainty, you don't need anyone's permission or understanding. Your "no" is complete. Your presence speaks for itself. Fierce boundaries aren't mean. They're self-love in action.

3. Transformation Isn't Pretty, But It's Yours

Both Medusa and Maleficent were transformed by pain into something society called "monstrous." But that transformation was also what made them powerful. The snakes. The darkness. The sharp edges. These weren't weaknesses; they were the very things that made them forces to be reckoned with. Your rough edges, your scars, your "too muchness" these aren't flaws. They're your medicine. They're your power.

4. Stand in Your Truth with Courage

Even when the world calls you the villain, stand firm.

Even when they twist your story, own your narrative.

Even when they try to shame you for your power, wear it like a crown.

Medusa and Maleficent refused to apologize for existing fully, powerfully, authentically. They refused to diminish themselves to make others comfortable.

This is courage: being who you truly are even when the world wants you small.

5. You Can Still Love Fiercely, Without Losing Yourself

This is where Maleficent's journey becomes transcendent.

She shows us that you can set fierce boundaries AND still have a tender heart. You can refuse to be hurt again AND still choose to love. You can be powerful, protective, even intimidating, and still vulnerable with those who've earned it.

The goal isn't to close your heart. It's to guard it wisely while keeping it open to real love.

The Legacy They Leave Behind

And here's something beautiful about Medusa's story that often gets overlooked:

When Perseus beheaded her, two beings sprang from her neck: Pegasus, the magnificent winged horse, and Chrysaor, wielding a golden sword.

From her deepest pain, from her very death, came beauty and power incarnate.

Even in her end, Medusa created life. Even after everything taken from her, she birthed something extraordinary into the world.

This is the resilience these stories teach us: Even when you feel destroyed, even when it seems like everything has been taken, you still carry the capacity to create, to transform, to birth new beauty and power from your wounds.

Reclaiming the Monster

So maybe it's time we stop calling them villains.

Medusa and Maleficent are not cautionary tales about what happens when women have too much power or hold too much rage.

They're empowerment stories about what happens when you refuse to let trauma define you, when you own your transformation, when you stand in your truth with such fierce integrity that those who would harm you can't even approach you.

They teach us:

• To be resilient in the face of betrayal.

• To be strong even when the world calls that strength "monstrous."

• To stand with courage when we've been wronged.

• To defend our boundaries without apology.

• To own our power unapologetically.

• To love ourselves so fiercely that no one can take us under.

• And yes, to still love others, even after the pain, when that love is earned and true.
  
  

You Are Not the Villain

If you've been hurt and become harder because of it, you're not broken.

If you've set boundaries that others call "cold," you're not wrong.

If you've transformed into something the world doesn't recognize, you're not lost.

You're Medusa. You're Maleficent.

You're the one who refused to stay small. The one who turned pain into power. The one who learned that your fiercest protection is your authentic presence. The one who discovered that loving yourself fiercely first, others wisely, is the ultimate act of courage.

The world may call you a villain for refusing to play the victim.

But you know the truth.

You're the hero of your own story snakes, sharp edges, fierce gaze, and all.

Wear your crown of serpents proudly. Guard your heart fiercely. Love yourself relentlessly. And never, ever apologize for the power you've reclaimed from the ashes of what tried to destroy you.

@Jenny 2024

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

Wisdom from the land, the body, and life itself.

Every moment pulses with noise and demand, we've forgotten something our ancestors knew intimately: stillness is not the absence of something, it's the presence of everything.
The earth pauses. The trees stand still. The deer freezes mid-step, listening. Winter brings dormancy. The tide retreats before it returns.

Nature understands what we've forgotten: the pause is where power gathers.

I've witnessed a profound truth over many years of healing work: our bodies remember what our minds have forgotten. We are cyclical beings living in linear time. We are animals who've been taught to ignore our instincts. We carry ancestral wisdom in our bones, but we've been conditioned to only trust what's measurable.

The pause is how we remember.

What Wisdom Teaches Us About Stillness

Stillness isn't passive; it's a sacred practice. It's how we listen to what the land is teaching. How we hear the ancestors. How we notice what our bodies are trying to tell us.

Everything speaks if we're willing to be still enough to listen:

The wind whispers warnings and wisdom.

I say the wind speaks to you because it does. When you pause and feel the air move across your skin, you're not just experiencing weather; you're in conversation with a living force that carries messages. Our elders knew this. They would stop, feel the wind shift, and know what was coming.

The land holds memory.

When we stand still on the earth, we're not separate from her; we're deeply connected to her. The ground beneath your feet has witnessed everything. Pausing to feel that connection is returning to an ancient understanding that we belong to something larger than our individual stories.

Animals model what we've forgotten.

Watch a deer in the forest. She doesn't move constantly. She pauses, listens, senses. She knows that stillness is survival. She knows that constant motion makes you prey. We've become a species in constant motion, and we wonder why we feel hunted by our own lives.

The breath is the bridge between worlds.

In shamanic practice, the breath is how we journey between ordinary and non-ordinary reality. It's the threshold. When you pause to breathe consciously, you're not just managing stress, you're accessing a portal your ancestors used for healing, divination, and connection to spirit.

This isn't a metaphor. This is technology we've forgotten how to use.

Your body keeps the score.

Trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. Stillness, true somatic stillness, allows the nervous system to complete interrupted survival responses. When we pause and feel what's present in our bodies without judging or fixing it, we give trauma a chance to move through and release.

The freeze response is not a weakness. Psychology recognizes three trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze. But freeze gets misunderstood as giving up. Actually, stillness is often the body's wisest choice when fighting or fleeing isn't safe. Learning to be still on purpose, not from freeze, but from sovereignty, teaches your nervous system the difference between collapse and conscious pause.

Mindfulness isn't just mental. The research is clear: mindfulness practices reduce cortisol, lower blood pressure, improve emotional regulation, and enhance immune function. But here's what the studies miss: this isn't new information. Our ancestors have practiced forms of mindfulness for thousands of years. We called it prayer. Ceremony. Sitting with the land. Being present.

The Three-Minute Reset: Body Wisdom Meets Modern Life

You don't need a meditation cushion or a silent retreat. You need to remember how to pause where you are.

At the Red Light: Earth Connection Practice

Instead of scrolling your phone or mentally racing ahead, try this:

1. Feel your sit bones on the seat. You're being held by the car, which sits on the earth. You're never not connected to the ground; there are just layers between you and it. Feel the support beneath you.

2. Notice three things you can see. Not just looking noticing. The way light hits a building. The color of the sky. A bird in flight. Your ancestors lived by observation. Practice seeing again.

3. Ask your body: "What do you need right now?" Not your mind's to-do list. Your body. Maybe it needs a deep breath. Maybe your shoulders need to drop. Maybe you need to unclench your jaw. Listen and respond.

This is not "just mindfulness." This is reclaiming your wisdom.

At Your Desk: The Nervous System Pause

Your body wasn't designed to sit in front of screens for hours. It was designed to move, rest, sense, and respond. Here's how to interrupt the stress cycle:

1. Stand up. Literally. Get vertical. Feel your feet on the ground. This alone shifts your nervous system out of collapse and into presence.

2. Shake. Animals shake after stress to release it. We've been taught this is weird. It's not, it's biological intelligence. Shake your hands, arms, and whole body for 30 seconds. Let trauma move through you instead of being stored in you.

3. Three deep belly breaths. Not chest breathing (stress breathing). Belly breathing (safety breathing). Hand on your stomach, feel it rise and fall. This signals to your nervous system: We're not running from a predator. We're safe.

This is somatic psychology meeting ancient body wisdom.

In Nature: Remembering You Belong

Even three minutes in contact with the earth changes your physiology. This is called grounding or earthing, and the research shows it reduces inflammation, improves sleep, and regulates cortisol.

But beyond the science, there's something else happening:

1. Take off your shoes (if safe and possible). Feel grass, dirt, sand, and stone. Your feet have thousands of nerve endings designed to sense the earth. Use them.

2. Touch something alive. A tree. A plant. Soil. You're exchanging energy with another living being. You're remembering you're part of the web, not separate from it.

3. Listen to what's being spoken. Wind. Birds. Rustling leaves. Water. These aren't background noise, they're the voice of the living world. Our ancestors made decisions based on what they heard. What is the land telling you?

The Pause as Ceremony

In my work, I teach that the ceremony doesn't require elaborate ritual; it requires intention.

When you pause with awareness, you're creating ceremony. You're saying: This moment matters. My body matters. My connection to earth matters. My nervous system deserves support.

The pause becomes prayer when you bring presence to it.

Whether you're at a red light, in line at the grocery store, or lying in bed before sleep, these moments aren't wasted time. They are opportunities to:

• Return to your body

• Remember you're held by the earth

• Release what your nervous system is carrying

• Listen to what your intuition is whispering

• Honor that you're a cyclical being in need of rest

What Happens When We Don't Pause

I see this in my practice constantly: people whose bodies are screaming but whose minds keep pushing.

Chronic stress becomes chronic illness. Ignored intuition becomes disconnection. Suppressed emotions become physical symptoms. Constant motion becomes spiritual disconnection.

Your body will force you to pause eventually, through injury, illness, burnout, or breakdown. I know this personally. Many times I have had this lesson, they were a few of my body's ways to say: You will learn to be still, or I will make you still. (I am still healing)

The pause is an invitation before it becomes a demand.

The Revolutionary Act of Doing Nothing

In a culture that measures worth by productivity, choosing stillness is resistance.

In a world that profits from your distraction, reclaiming your attention is power.

In a system that disconnects you from your body, returning to sensation is healing.

Pausing is not laziness. It's sovereignty.

It's saying: I will not be a machine. I will not bypass my body's wisdom. I will not ignore what the earth is teaching. I will not pretend I don't need rest.

The butterfly returns to the cocoon with every transformation. The land goes fallow to regenerate. The tide pulls back before it surges forward.
You are not meant to be in constant motion.

An Invitation

Right now, as you read these words, pause.

Feel your body in the chair. Feel your feet on the ground. Take one full breath, in through your nose, out through your mouth.

Notice: you're still here. The world didn't end. The to-do list can wait three more seconds.

This is the practice.

Not someday when you have time for a retreat. Not when life calms down (it won't). Not when you're "better at it."

Now. Where you are! With the body you have! On the earth that holds you!💚

Three minutes at a time, you remember what you are: not a machine to be optimized, but a living being in need of presence, stillness, and connection.

The earth knows this. Your body knows this. Your ancestors knew this.

It's time to remember.

@Jenny 2024

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

We live in a world that worships knowing. We're taught that understanding equals control, that if we just think hard enough, analyze long enough, we'll finally grasp the meaning of the messages we receive, whether from intuition, spirit, or the subtle energies that move through and around us.

But here's the truth that will set you free: You will never truly "know" if you stay in your mind.

The Mind's Seductive Trap

The mind is brilliant at what it does. It categorizes, labels, and creates stories. But when it comes to energetic and spiritual wisdom, the mind becomes our greatest obstacle. It demands immediate answers. It wants to control the uncontrollable. It insists on linear explanations for experiences that exist far beyond the realm of logic.

When we receive an intuitive hit, a dream symbol, or an energetic message, our first instinct is often to intellectualize it. What does this mean? Why am I feeling this? What am I supposed to do with this information?

And in that very moment, that desperate grasping for meaning, we disconnect from the wisdom itself.

The Body Knows What the Mind Cannot

True knowing lives in the body, not the brain.

Your body doesn't lie. It doesn't overthink. It doesn't question whether it's "doing it right." When something resonates as truth, you feel it in your gut, in your heart, in the subtle tingles along your spine, in the way your breath deepens or catches.

This is why so many spiritual traditions teach us to:

• Be intuitive by practice, not theory

• Engage all the senses, not just thought

• Step away from mental chatter

The wisdom you seek isn't hiding in more analysis. It's waiting in the stillness beneath your thoughts, in the sensations moving through your body, in the quiet knowing that emerges when you stop demanding answers.

Energy Speaks in Metaphor, Not Instructions

Here's what the mind struggles with: Energetic messages are often metaphorical. They can mean more than what we think. They can hold layers of meaning that reveal themselves over time, not all at once.

When we stay trapped in mental interpretation, we flatten these multi-dimensional messages into single meanings. We force them to make sense right now, according to our current understanding.

But energy is vast. It's beyond us. It moves in ways we cannot control and speaks in a language that transcends words.

If we receive an image of water during meditation, the mind immediately asks: "Does this mean I need to drink more water? Visit the ocean? Deal with my emotions?"

But the body simply feels: fluidity, flow, surrender, cleansing, without needing to pin it down.

The Purpose Reveals Itself When You Release

The message's purpose will be revealed when we release the need to know.

Not when we figure it out.

Not when we've thought about it enough.

Not when we've consulted every book and teacher.

When we let go.

When we allow the energy to move freely through us without trying to trap it in understanding, something miraculous happens: clarity arrives on its own timeline. The meaning becomes obvious. The path forward illuminates itself.

This is what people mean when they say "surrender." Not giving up, but releasing the ego's demand to control the uncontrollable.

Ego vs. True Knowing (And Why I've Stopped Teaching This Way)

When we try to control spiritual messages or force understanding, we're operating from the ego, from the part of us that's afraid, that wants guarantees, that needs to feel in charge.

If we're tuning in with ego, the message will never be clear.

I used to teach people who were just beginning to ask themselves: "Is this my ego or true knowing?" What does this mean? Why am I seeing/hearing/feeling this? It's a helpful distinction when you're first learning to discern between mental chatter and genuine intuition. It gives beginners a framework, a way to practice noticing the difference.

But here's what I've learned: there's a time to evolve and move on beyond this point. And that time comes rather quickly.

Why? Because constantly asking "Is this ego?" keeps you stuck in ... you guessed it.... the mind. You're still analyzing, still questioning, still trying to mentally verify what should be felt.

The question itself becomes another form of overthinking.

This is why I've shifted how I teach. I no longer emphasize the ego vs. knowing distinction.

Instead, I emphasize the flow.

When you're in flow, there's no question. You're not in your head asking if it's ego, you're in your body, feeling the current, moving with the energy. You're not analyzing the river; you're swimming in it.

Ego asks: "What does this mean for me? How can I use this? What should I do? Is this really real or just my ego talking?"

Flow simply moves: "Here. Receive. Trust. Allow. Follow."

The difference is profound and it's felt, not thought.

The Practice: Setting Yourself Aside

So how do we actually do this? How do we release the mind's grip and access the body's deeper knowing?

We set aside our needs and wants. We allow. And only then will it make sense.

This means:

• Sitting with discomfort instead of rushing to resolve it

• Trusting sensations over thoughts

• Being willing to not understand sometimes for days, months, or even years

• Recognizing that your body's "yes" or "no" is enough, even without explanation

• Practicing stillness without an agenda

As the wisdom teaches: You need to be open and receptive. It's in the subtleties that we get the message. Not loud, not how we want to hear it. It is quiet, it is subtle we need to be able to go into our awareness to hear it.

Water Flows, Fire Pushes, Wind Feels

Consider the elements:

• Water moves and flows together, yielding, adapting

• Fire pushes against resistance, transforming through friction

• Wind cannot be seen, only felt, invisible but undeniably present

We think too much. We need to feel.

Bring the energy down from your head into your body. Feel deeply. Trust what you sense in your organs, in your stomach, in your bones. This is where truth lives, not in the endless loop of mental analysis.

The Paradox of Not Knowing

Here's the beautiful paradox: when you finally release the need to know, you discover you've known all along.

Inner peace

Not in your mind. But in your body. In your soul. In the quiet place that was never confused.

Clear the noise. Listen to your body. Trust what you receive.

The overthinking isn't protecting you, it's blocking you from the wisdom that's already yours.

The journey from mind to body, from control to trust, from overthinking to deep knowing, this is the path of true intuition. And it begins the moment you stop trying to figure it out and simply allow yourself to feel.

@Jenny 2025

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

A personal story of cumulative loss, bodily collapse, and the slow journey back to wholeness.

There's a kind of grief that doesn't arrive alone.

It compounds. It layers. One loss stacked upon another until you can't tell where one wound ends and the next begins. Your body stops distinguishing between them it just knows it's drowning. This is cumulative grief. And if you're in it right now, I want you to know: you're not broken. You're human. And there is a way through.

When Everything Unravels at Once

Some years ago, my world fell apart in ways I couldn't have prepared for.

Two of my children and I found ourselves in a space of deep disconnection, estrangement that felt like death without closure. The relationships I'd nurtured, protected, and loved with everything I had were suddenly severed. The way it happened was harsh. Every attempt I made to bridge the distance only seemed to widen it. I was losing my children while they were still alive, and I had no map for that kind of grief.

Then, suddenly and without warning, my father died.

The ground I was already barely standing on disappeared entirely.

I was in freefall.

Grief upon grief upon grief. Relationship rupture. Death. Loss compounding loss. And the world expected me to keep functioning to show up for work, manage daily life, hold it together. Because this kind of grief? Society doesn't recognize it as deserving of time off. There's no bereavement leave for estrangement. No disability claim for a shattered heart.

So I kept moving. Because I had to. Because I didn't know what else to do.

When Your Body Says "No More"

Here's what I didn't understand then but know intimately now: your body keeps the score, and eventually, it will force you to stop.

I don't have a thyroid, I lost it to cancer years ago. I rely on hormone replacement therapy to literally keep my body functioning. But grief isn't just emotional. It's biological. The shock of compounded loss sent my system into such dysregulation that I stopped processing my medication properly.

My body, already taxed by loss, simply shut down what it could no longer sustain.

I was falling apart physically, emotionally, spiritually. I was trying to outrun an avalanche that had already buried me. And the harder I tried to "stay strong" and "push through," the deeper I sank.

Survival mode is not sustainable.

The truth is: cumulative grief doesn't care about your to-do list, your responsibilities, or your desperate need to appear "fine." It will take you down until you finally listen.

What Cumulative Grief Actually Is

Cumulative grief: sometimes called grief overload or compound grief happens when losses stack up faster than you can process them. It might look like:

• Multiple deaths in a short period

• Loss of relationships (estrangement, divorce, friendships ending)

• Health crises layered with other losses

• Job loss during personal turmoil

• Financial stress compounding emotional pain

• Trauma upon trauma without time to heal between

Your nervous system wasn't designed to process this much at once.

It goes into overwhelm. Your body starts breaking down. You feel like you're losing your mind. You can't think straight, can't sleep, can't stop crying or worse, can't cry at all because you've gone numb just to survive.

This is not weakness. This is biology.

And here's what makes it even harder: society doesn't give you space for it. You're expected to compartmentalize, to grieve "appropriately," to bounce back quickly. There's bereavement leave for death but not for estrangement. There's understanding for "real" loss but not for the thousand small deaths that compound into collapse.

So we suffer in silence, thinking something is wrong with us for not being able to "handle it."

Nothing is wrong with you. Everything is responding exactly as it should when a human system is overloaded beyond capacity.

The Moment I Stopped Running

I finally hit a point where I couldn't pretend anymore. My body wouldn't let me. My spirit was too fractured. I had tried to muscle through, to "stay positive," to fix what was broken and all of it had failed.

So I stopped.

I stopped trying to force healing on my timeline. I stopped pretending I was okay. I stopped apologizing for taking up space with my pain.

And I returned to what I'd always known but had forgotten in the crisis: the earth holds us when we can't hold ourselves.

The earth's wisdom.

My ancestors knew how to grieve. They knew that healing doesn't happen in isolation, that the land is medicine, that ceremony creates the container we need when we're falling apart.

So I went back to the practices that my lineage had always known: I walked in nature, slowly, with no destination. Just me and the trees and the wind that speaks if you're quiet enough to listen. I let the earth hold my weight when I couldn't hold my own.

I talked to Mother Earth. Not metaphorically. Actually spoke my grief into the soil, let the land receive what was too heavy for any human to carry.

I prayed. Not the prayers of asking for things to be different, but the prayers of surrender. I can't do this alone. Help me. Show me the way.

I sat in hape ceremony. That sacred tobacco medicine that clears what's clouded, grounds what's unmoored, brings you back into your body when you've been floating in survival mode.

I drank cacao in meditation. Let that heart medicine crack open what I'd been protecting, let the tears finally come, let the softness return.

I went on shamanic healing journeys and retreats. Spaces where I could unravel completely because someone else was holding the container. Where I could journey to retrieve the parts of myself I'd lost in the grief.

I moved my body. Not exercise...movement. Dance. Shaking. Letting the grief move through me instead of storing in me. Animals shake after trauma. I remembered I'm an animal too.

And I practiced Ho'oponopono. That Hawaiian prayer of reconciliation and forgiveness, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Said it to my children, to my father, to myself, to the grief itself. Not to fix anything, but to soften what had hardened.

Slowly...so slowly...I began to come back to myself.

Not the self I was before. That person was gone. But someone new. Someone who knew grief intimately and had survived it. Someone softer and stronger at once.

What I Want You to Know If You're In It Right Now

If you're reading this and you're in the thick of cumulative grief, please hear me:

1. You're Not Crazy

Your body's response to overwhelming loss is appropriate. The tears that won't stop, the numbness, the rage, the confusion, the physical symptoms, all of it makes sense. You're not broken. You're a human being experiencing more than anyone person should have to carry at once.

2. You Can't Think Your Way Out

Grief lives in the body, not the mind. You can't logic your way through it, positive-think your way past it, or strong-will your way over it. It has to move through you. And that requires space, time, and practices that let your body release what it's holding.

3. "Pushing Through" Is Making It Worse

I know you think you have to keep going. I know the world tells you that. But survival mode is not healing. It's just delaying the inevitable collapse. At some point, your body will force you to stop. It's better to stop now, on your terms, than to wait until it chooses for you.

4. Healing Doesn't Look Like You Think

Healing isn't linear. It's not about "getting over it" or "moving on." Some days you'll feel okay, and then something small will level you again. That's not regression, that's how grief works. It comes in waves. Your job is to learn to surf them, not stop them from coming.

5. You Need More Than Therapy

Talk therapy has its place, but cumulative grief requires somatic healing, body-based practices that let trauma and grief move through your nervous system and out. This might look like:

• Movement practices: yoga, dance, shaking, walking, anything that lets your body express what words can't

• Nature immersion: spending time on the land, touching earth, letting the natural world hold you

• Ceremony and ritual: creating sacred space for your grief, whether through prayer, fire ceremony, or whatever feels right to you

• Energy healing: Reiki, shamanic healing, anything that works with the energetic body

• Breathwork: letting the breath move stagnant energy

• Creative expression: art, writing, music, giving grief a voice beyond words

• Community: grief groups, circles, trusted friends who can witness without trying to fix

What works for you might be different than what worked for me. That's okay. The key is finding practices that help you feel instead of think, that move grief through instead of around.

6. You Deserve Time and Space

Even if society doesn't give it to you automatically, you deserve time to heal. This might mean:

• Taking medical leave (yes, even for grief, find a doctor who understands)

• Reducing your hours or responsibilities where possible

• Saying no to things that drain you

• Asking for help (even when it's hard)

• Lowering your standards temporarily (the dishes can wait)

• Protecting your energy fiercely

You're not being dramatic. You're not being weak. You're being wise.

7. There Are People Who Understand

You might feel alone, but you're not. There are practitioners, communities, and circles who understand cumulative grief and can hold space for you. Seek them out. Let yourself be held. You don't have to do this alone.

The Practices That Helped Me (And Might Help You)

Here's what I return to when grief rises again (because it does, healing isn't about grief disappearing, it's about learning to be with it):

Nature as Medicine

The land doesn't ask you to be anything other than what you are. Walk slowly. Touch trees. Sit on the ground. Let the earth absorb what's too heavy. Tell the wind your sorrow. Let the water carry it away.

Prayer and Ceremony

Create your own rituals for grief. Light a candle. Speak your loved one's name. Burn what needs releasing. Plant something in their honor. Ceremony gives structure to what feels chaotic.

Sacred Plant Medicines

For me, hape, cacao, and other sacred plant medicines in a ceremonial context were profound. They helped me access grief I couldn't reach otherwise and moved it through my system. (Always work with trained practitioners and in safe, held space.)

Shamanic Healing

Journey work helped me retrieve parts of myself I'd lost in the grief. Soul retrieval. Extraction of heavy energy. Connection with guides who offered wisdom I couldn't access alone.

Movement That Heals

Not "working out" moving grief. Dancing it. Shaking it. Walking it. Letting your body express what your mouth can't say.

Ho'oponopono Practice

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

Say it to everyone involved, including yourself. Not to fix things, but to soften the edges of pain, to release resentment, to make space for whatever wants to shift.

Community and Witness

Finding even one person who could hold space for my grief without trying to fix it, minimize it, or rush me through it, that was medicine too.

What's on the Other Side

I won't tell you that grief ends, because it doesn't. My father is still gone. The health challenges remain. But I'm no longer drowning. And here's something I couldn't have imagined in the depths: my children and I have begun healing our relationships. We're in a far better space now. Not perfect, healing rarely is, but better. Present. Trying. Growing together.

That reconciliation didn't happen because I forced it or figured out the "right" strategy. It happened because I finally stopped trying to fix it and started healing myself. Because I learned to hold space for my own grief. Because I did the work to come back to myself.

When I changed, the energy between us shifted. When I stopped drowning, I could finally be present differently. 

Sometimes the best thing we can do for our relationships is to heal ourselves first.

I've learned to carry grief differently now, not as something to overcome, but as something woven into the fabric of who I am. It's made me softer. More compassionate. More present. More aware of what really matters.

Grief cracked me open, and light got in.

I'm a better mother, friend, partner, practitioner because I've been shattered and slowly put myself back together. I understand cumulative loss not as a theory but as a lived experience. I know what it's like when your body gives out under the weight, and I know the practices that help you find your way back.

This is why I do the work I do now. Not in spite of my grief, but because of it. Earth Woven Wisdom was born from the unraveling and the slow weaving back together.

And if reconciliation with those you've lost connection with is part of your grief, know this: healing yourself creates the conditions for relationship healing to become possible. Not guaranteed, but possible. And sometimes, that's enough to hold onto.

Understanding What You're Experiencing: The Research

If you're wondering whether what you're going through has a name, it does. And understanding it can help you feel less alone.

Cumulative Grief (Grief Overload)

When you experience multiple losses in a short period, whether deaths, relationship losses, job loss, health crises, or any combination, it's called cumulative grief or grief overload. (1) The losses compound on each other, making it increasingly difficult to process and cope. (2)

As psychologist Dr. Meghan Marcum explains: "Compounded grief is difficult because before the person has an opportunity to find healing, another oftentimes unexpected loss arises that makes it increasingly difficult to cope." (2)

Why It Feels Unbearable

Research shows that compounded losses are harder to cope with than individual losses because of the cumulative effect. (2) Your nervous system becomes overwhelmed. "Shutting down" is a common response, your body's way of trying to protect you when the emotions feel unprocessable. (1)

When Grief Becomes Complicated

For some people (about 7% of those bereaved), grief becomes what's clinically called "complicated grief" or "persistent complex bereavement disorder." (3,4,5) This happens when painful emotions are so severe and long-lasting that you have trouble functioning even after a year or more has passed. (3)

Signs you might need professional support include: (3)

• Intense sorrow and rumination that doesn't ease with time

• Inability to accept the reality of your loss

• Feeling life has no meaning or purpose

• Trouble carrying out normal routines

• Withdrawing from relationships and activities

• Believing you should have died with your loved one

• Persistent thoughts of suicide

Important: If you're experiencing thoughts of suicide, please reach out immediately. Call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or contact a mental health professional. You matter, and help is available. (3)

This Isn't Your Fault

When you suffer multiple losses, it's common to question why this is happening to you or interpret it as punishment. But as difficult as it is to accept, it's not personal. It's a terribly timed misfortune. (1) Understanding that multiple losses are not a personal attack is an important step toward healing. (1)

You're Not Supposed to "Handle This Better"

There's no "right way" to grieve, especially cumulative grief. The first step to lessening your pain is accepting your grief as it is, accepting the complex way you're feeling, and giving yourself space and time to process without self-judgment. (1)

And here's what I learned that the research doesn't always capture: your body will tell you what it needs if you're willing to listen. For me, that meant returning to earth-based practices, ceremony, and somatic healing, not because therapy doesn't work, but because cumulative grief lives in the body and sometimes needs body-based medicine to move through.

SOURCES SECTION:

Sources & Further Reading

1. Empathy. (n.d.). Dealing with more than one loss. Retrieved from https://www.empathy.com/grief/dealing-with-more-than-one-loss

2. Marcum, M., as cited in Seladi-Schulman, J. (2023). Compounded grief: Symptoms, causes, diagnosis, and coping. Verywell Mind. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/compounded-grief-symptoms-causes-diagnosis-and-coping-6979518

3. Mayo Clinic. (2023). Complicated grief: Symptoms and causes. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374

4. Shear, M. K. (2012). Grief and mourning gone awry: Pathway and course of complicated grief. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 14(2), 119–128. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2012.14.2/mshear

5. Cleveland Clinic. (n.d.). Complicated grief. Retrieved from https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24951-complicated-grief

Additional Support Resources:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 (available 24/7)

• Crisis Text Hotline: Text HOME or HOLA to 741741

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

• The Compassionate Friends (for those grieving the death of a child): www.compassionatefriends.org

• GriefShare: Local grief support groups nationwide: www.griefshare.org

• What's Your Grief: Online grief support and resources: www.whatsyourgrief.com

If you're in an immediate crisis, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

@Jenny 2023

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

When we gaze up at the night sky, we're often captivated by the beautiful twinkling lights scattered across the dark canvas of night. But how often do we consider that many of these radiant stars have, in reality, long since faded? Yet, even after their light has gone out, what a profound blessing it is that we still get to witness their brilliance for the rest of our lives.

What if we applied this very same principle to our human connections?

When Loved Ones Are Gone, Their Light Remains

When we lose someone we love, a wave of intense emotions can wash over us: sorrow, disappointment, heartbreak, and profound grief. But what we often don't realize in those raw moments is this: for the rest of our lives, we'll carry a vast archive of memories. We can play back these videos in our minds, look at those mental pictures, and for the rest of our lifetime, we'll still get to see our loved one shine. Their light, much like a distant star, continues to reach us, illuminating our inner world long after they've faded from our immediate reach.

The Shifting Constellations of Relationships

This concept also applies to the relationships in our lives, whether they are friendships, mentorships, family bonds, or romantic partnerships. There are inevitably times when these connections feel challenging. We might experience annoyance, disappointment, hurt, or feel unseen and unheard. These are the cloudy nights in our personal sky.

Yet, alongside these difficult moments, there are countless others filled with laughter, joy, and profound gratitude. These are the radiant stars, the moments that truly light up the dark canvas of our night sky. So, when we're in the midst of disappointment, anger, or hurt, if we can just pause, set those immediate feelings aside (for a moment, for perspective, we do need to still move through the emotions to heal), and look deep into our hearts for where the joy and gratitude reside, we'll realize something powerful. No matter the present struggle, for the rest of our lives, we'll be able to look at this individual and still see them shine. Just as they, in turn, will remember us and see our light.

Finding the Starlight Again

Despite this understanding, many of us find ourselves in a place of deep hurt, sadness, or disappointment. We might be wondering, How do I even get back to that perspective? We know they once shone so brightly for us, but right now, that light feels obscured, and we're not sure if we're in a place to see it. There are indeed many concepts and paths that can bring us to a place of forgiveness and allow us to once again perceive that beautiful, shining light in our own night sky.

Moving Through the Shadows

First, we must acknowledge and move through the emotions we're feeling. Allow them to flow, but don't let them take root and consume you. We need to explore them: Why do we feel this way? What specific situations or words triggered these reactions? Once we're able to decipher the "why" behind our emotions, we can then reflect on our responses and actions. Where could we have reacted differently? What patterns emerged that we might want to change? It's important we take this time to reflect on ourselves and discover the answers to these questions before we can effectively ask others to do the same.

The Journey of Shared Healing

When we're healing within a relationship, it's rarely fast or easy, though we all wish it were. This journey takes time, requires difficult conversations, and often means truly hearing how we might have hurt or disappointed another. It demands taking accountability and consciously correcting our patterns. It's a two-person dance, a shared commitment.

As you navigate these challenging waters together, something remarkable happens: more sparkling, joyful memories will inevitably be made. Difficult times will always arise in life, but by using the tools you learn and strengthen in your shared healing, you'll be equipped to overcome them.

When Paths Diverge, Light Remains

Yes, this healing takes two, and if the other person isn't willing to meet you on this journey, sometimes we need to let go of the relationship. This is a profound and often painful decision. Following such a loss, our focus must shift to healing ourselves and forgiving the ending of the relationship.

Once we achieve that inner peace, however, something transformative occurs: we will once again see that light shine. The beautiful moments, the shared laughter, and the profound connections will remain. While new shared experiences may no longer be possible, the cherished memories will always be there, casting their enduring glow.

@Jenny 2023

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

Why "sorry" without change is manipulation, and why protecting your peace isn't selfish.

A warning before we begin: This post contains hard truths. If you're in an abusive situation or healing from one, some of this may be triggering. Take breaks as you need them. Breathe. You are safe here.

We hear it constantly:

"Self-care isn't selfish."

"You need to forgive, you need to move on, you need to let go."

"But they're family, you have to give them another chance."

And while some of this is true, there's a lot that gets left out of these conversations. Important things. Protective things. Things that could save your mental health, your nervous system, and maybe even your life.

So let's talk about what no one wants to say out loud.

The Truth About Apologies: Sorry Without Change Is Manipulation.

Here's what needs to be said clearly: An apology without changed behavior is not an apology it's manipulation.

Let me say it louder again for the people in the back: If someone says they're sorry but continues the same harmful behavior, they are manipulating you, not apologizing to you!

Real apologies look like this:

I'm sorry I hurt you. Followed by: Changed behavior that shows they understand what they did and are actively working not to repeat it.

Fake apologies look like this:

"I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry, but you also..." "I said I'm sorry what more do you want?" Followed by: The exact same behavior repeating within days, weeks, or months.

Words without action are just words, and when those words are used to get you to drop your boundaries, stay in relationship, or excuse harmful behavior that's manipulation, plain and simple.

It doesn't matter if the person saying sorry is:

Your mother, Your father, Your sibling, Your child, Your partner, Your best friend, Your spiritual leader.  A title or relationship does not give anyone the right to harm you repeatedly and expect you to accept empty apologies.

Abuse Is Abuse, Even When It's Not Physical.

When we hear abuse, many people think only of physical violence. But abuse takes many forms, and all of them are unacceptable. All of them cause harm. All of them justify you protecting yourself.

Abuse includes:

Physical abuse: Hitting, pushing, choking, throwing things, restraining you, pulling hair, using weapons.  Emotional/Verbal abuse: Name-calling, humiliation, constant criticism, blaming, shaming, treating you like you're stupid or worthless (The National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Gaslighting: Making you question your reality, memory, or perceptions. Denying things they said or did. Twisting situations to make you feel crazy. (Cleveland Clinic. (2022).Financial abuse: Controlling money, preventing you from working, running up debt in your name. Digital abuse: Monitoring your phone/computer, demanding passwords, posting things to humiliate you . Isolation: Cutting you off from friends, family, or support systems.  Threats and intimidation: Using fear to control you, threatening harm to you or others you love. (The National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.).

If someone is doing these things to you, it is abuse. 

Full stop. 

It doesn't matter if they never lay a hand on you emotional and psychological abuse are real, damaging, and deserve the same response as physical abuse: protection of yourself.

What Repeated Exposure to Abuse Does to Your Nervous System.

Here's what happens biologically when you remain in contact with someone who repeatedly harms you:

Your nervous system gets stuck in survival mode. Every time you interact with this person, your body goes into fight-or-flight. Your cortisol spikes. Your heart races. Your system floods with stress hormones. And when this happens over and over without resolution or safety, your nervous system can't regulate itself anymore (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (n.d.).

This can lead to:

Chronic anxiety, Hypervigilance (always waiting for the next attack), Depression, Physical health problems (digestive issues, chronic pain, autoimmune conditions),  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (n.d.). PTSD doesn't just come from single traumatic events it can develop from repeated exposure to abuse, manipulation, or emotional harm. Symptoms include intrusive memories, nightmares, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (n.d.).

(Important note: Only a licensed clinician can diagnose PTSD, but if you're experiencing these symptoms, please seek professional support.)

Your nervous system needs safety to heal. It cannot heal in the environment that wounded it. This is why just forgiving them or giving them another chance isn't always wise advice. Sometimes the most healing thing you can do is remove yourself from ongoing harm.

When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them the First Time.

Maya Angelou said it: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Can people change? Yes. Absolutely.

Will people change? Only if they genuinely want to not because you beg, threaten, or explain enough. You cannot change another person. Only they can choose that.

So if someone keeps showing you through their actions that they will not respect you, will not stop harming you, will not honor boundaries, believe what they're showing you.

If you feel you need to give someone a chance to prove they're changing, you can do that. But do it with: Clear boundaries about what behavior is acceptable, yes there are consequences if boundaries are violated. You must speak them clearly and you must hold to them.

Take the distance that protects your nervous system while you observe their actions. A promise to yourself that if they don't change, you will walk away, and if they don't change keep your promise to yourself. Protect your peace.

The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums.

Many people especially people-pleasers or those raised in dysfunctional families, worry that setting boundaries is giving ultimatums or being controlling.

Let me clarify the difference:

An Ultimatum: "If you don't do what I want, I'll leave." "Change or else."

"You have to choose between me and [person/thing]."

Ultimatums are about controlling the other person's behavior to get what you want.

A Boundary: "I will not engage in conversations where I'm being yelled at. If that happens, I will leave/hang up." "I'm not available to discuss my personal life. That topic is off-limits." "I need you to respect my decision. If you continue to pressure me, I'll need to take space from this relationship."

Boundaries are about protecting yourself and stating what you will or won't accept in your own life.

Here's the key difference: Ultimatums try to control the other person. Boundaries control your own participation.

People who are manipulating or abusing you will often claim your boundaries are ultimatums. They'll say you're being unfair, controlling, mean, or punishing them. This is a manipulation tactic designed to make you drop the boundary.

Don't fall for it.

You have every right to decide what you will and won't tolerate in your life. That's not controlling them, that's honoring yourself. Self-Care Is Protecting Your Nervous System. Real self-care isn't just bubble baths and face masks (though those are nice). Sometimes self-care is removing yourself from situations and people that consistently harm you.

Self-care is:

Saying no to family gatherings that leave you anxious for weeks. Blocking someone's number when their texts trigger panic attacks. Declining to explain yourself to people who won't listen anyway. Choosing not to attend events where your abuser will be present. Taking months or years away from a relationship to heal. This isn't selfishness. This isn't cruelty. This is survival. You are valuable and worth it. Your nervous system needs space to re-regulate. It needs consistent safety, not consistent exposure to harm. You cannot heal in the same environment that's wounding you.

**But They're Family...

No.

I'm going to say this clearly: The title someone holds does not give them permission to harm you.

Grandmother, Mother/Father, Sibling, Child, Spouse, Friend. None of these titles earn someone the right to abuse, manipulate, gaslight, or emotionally harm you.

I know the cultural messaging is strong: "But they're family you have to forgive them. You have to keep trying. You can't just cut off your [mother/father/sibling/etc.]. Yes, you can. And sometimes, you must. If someone only hurts you, they do not deserve access to you regardless of their title.

When you keep giving access to someone who harms you, you are:

Prioritizing their comfort over your safety. Teaching them that your boundaries don't matter. Staying in a one-sided relationship (they won't do the same for you). Damaging your own mental and physical health. And here's the manipulative twist: If they ever do something for you, they'll likely use it against you later. "After everything I've done for you, this is how you treat me?" Why is thier harm to you more imporant than your safty, that is all manipulation and should be called out as so.

The Airplane Mask Analogy

You know how on airplanes, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others? That's not selfishness. That's survival. If you try to put everyone else's mask on first, you'll pass out before you finish. Then you can't help anyone including yourself.

The same is true for your emotional and mental health.

If you keep sacrificing your well-being to maintain relationships with people who harm you, eventually you will collapse. You won't be able to help anyone not them, not yourself, not the people who actually deserve your energy.

So let's be real: It's time to take care of YOU.

Put your mask on first. Protect your peace. Set your boundaries. Remove yourself from harm. This is not selfish. This is self-preservation.

What About Forgiveness?

Here's the truth about forgiveness that many people don't want to hear: Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. Forgiveness does not require an ongoing relationship. Forgiveness does not mean pretending the harm didn't happen.

You can forgive someone for your own peace to release the anger that's eating you alive and still never speak to them again. Forgiveness is for you, not for them. It's about releasing the grip that resentment has on your heart. It's about refusing to let their actions continue controlling your life.

But forgiveness does not mean giving them access to hurt you again. You can forgive and still maintain boundaries. You can forgive and still protect your peace. You can forgive and still say, "I release you, but I will not re-engage with you."

Forgiveness without boundaries is just setting yourself up for more harm. Maybe Later... But Maybe Not.  Some people ask: "Will I ever be able to reconnect with them?" Maybe. Maybe not. And both are okay.

If you choose to reconnect later: Make sure you've healed enough to be strong in your boundaries. Ensure they've actually demonstrated real, sustained change (not just words). Keep your promise to yourself: if it becomes unhealthy again, you leave, don't let guilt, obligation, or their manipulation pull you back into old patterns.

If you choose never to reconnect:

That's valid. You don't owe anyone access to you. Some relationships are too toxic to salvage. Protecting yourself permanently is sometimes the healthiest choice. There's no right answer here. The right answer is whatever protects your well-being.

Beyond Forgiveness: Understanding the Web

As we grow and evolve, there's a deeper truth to hold:

Forgiveness transforms when we see with the wisdom that we are all connected all part of the same web of life.

When we truly understand that hurt people hurt people not because they want to, but because they haven't been shown how to heal something shifts. We can hold compassion for their woundedness while still protecting ourselves from their harm.

This is not about excusing their behavior. It's about understanding the source of it.

Your ancestors knew this: we are all threads in the same tapestry. When one thread is frayed, it affects the whole weaving. When someone harms you, they're acting from their own unhealed wounds, their own pain, their own disconnection from the web.

But here's the crucial part:

Understanding this doesn't mean you stay in harm's way. It doesn't mean you tolerate abuse because they're just hurting. Compassion for their pain and protection of your peace can and must coexist.

When you take accountability for your own healing, you model a different way. You show that it's possible to break cycles, to choose differently, to weave yourself back into wholeness. You become living proof that healing is possible.

But it is essential that they are ready to see it. You cannot force anyone to heal. You cannot love someone into wellness. You cannot sacrifice yourself hoping it will inspire their transformation.

They will learn from your example only if they're ready. And whether they are or not is not your responsibility.

The Freedom of Understanding

When we stand in the wisdom of interconnection and understanding, we become truly free.

Free to:

• See the humanity in those who've harmed us without needing to maintain relationship with them

• Hold compassion for their woundedness while enforcing boundaries that protect our own

• Recognize that their actions are their lessons to learn, not ours to manage

• Do what is right for our healing our heart, our body, our mind, our spirit

• Trust that everyone is walking their own path on the web of life, and sometimes those paths must diverge

This understanding doesn't require forgiveness in the traditional sense. It requires something deeper: acceptance of what is, release of what we cannot control, and fierce protection of what is ours to tend.

The Web of Life Teaches This

In nature, everything is connected.  The soil feeds the Tree, The tree feeds the fungus. The decaying remains of the tree return to the soil. It's a cycle of give and take, of mutual support.

But nature also knows about boundaries.

The tree doesn't give away all its nutrients until it dies to feed the soil. It takes what it needs first, then gives from its abundance. The animal doesn't stay near the predator out of compassion for the predator's hunger. It runs. It protects itself.

The web of life includes both connection AND self-preservation.

Understanding our interconnection doesn't mean martyring ourselves. It means recognizing:

• We're all doing our best with the healing we've received (or haven't)

• Hurt people hurt people, and healed people can help break that cycle

• We can hold compassion from a distance

• Our primary responsibility is to our own healing, which then ripples out to affect the whole web

When you heal yourself, you heal your lineage backward to your ancestors and forward to your descendants. That is your responsibility. Not fixing those who hurt you.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Old way of thinking:
"I need to forgive them and keep trying to make this relationship work because we're all connected and they're just hurting."

Wisdom way of thinking:
"I understand they're hurting, and I hold compassion for that. AND I will protect my peace by creating distance. My healing is my responsibility. Theirs is theirs. We're connected, but we don't have to be in contact."

Old way:
"If I heal myself, maybe they'll see and change."

Wisdom way:
"I heal myself because I deserve healing. If they witness that and it inspires them, beautiful. If they don't, that's their path to walk. Either way, I choose my wholeness."

Old way:
"Family is forever, so I have to keep forgiving and reconnecting."

Wisdom way:
"We're all family in the web of life, which means I honor myself as much as I honor them. Sometimes honoring the connection means loving from afar."

The Lesson in the Web

Every relationship especially the painful ones teaches us something:

• About boundaries (where we need to strengthen them)

• About patterns (what we're ready to break)

• About worthiness (that we deserve better)

• About cycles (how hurt passes through generations until someone stops it)

• About our own healing (what we still need to tend)

These lessons don't require ongoing relationship with the teacher. Once you've learned what you needed to learn, you're free to move on.

The web of life doesn't require you to stay tangled with threads that cut you. It asks you to weave yourself whole, which sometimes means cutting threads that no longer serve the pattern you're creating.

You Are Free

When you stand in this understanding that we're all connected, that hurt people hurt people, that everyone is walking their own healing journey you become free.

Free from:

• Needing them to apologize

• Needing them to change

• Needing them to understand what they did

• Needing to make them see

• Carrying responsibility for their healing

Free to:

• Heal yourself completely

• Honor the connection without needing contact

• Hold compassion without sacrificing boundaries

• Trust that the web will teach them what they need, in their time

• Walk your path with peace

This is the wisdom your ancestors carried: understanding interconnection while honoring individual paths. Holding compassion while maintaining sovereignty. Seeing the whole web while tending your own thread.

You don't need to forgive in the way the world tells you to forgive.

You need to understand, release, and protect.

Understand they're wounded.
Release your need to fix them.
Protect your peace fiercely.

That is forgiveness at its deepest level: releasing them to their path while honoring your own. We are all connected in the web of life. And you are sovereign in your own healing. Both truths can be held at once.

This is the teaching of Earth Woven Wisdom: connection and boundaries, compassion and protection, understanding and sovereignty all woven together in the sacred balance of healing.

Next: Your Action Steps

If you're realizing you're in a harmful relationship right now, here's what you can do:

1. Name What's Happening

Call it what it is. Gaslighting. Emotional abuse. Manipulation. Naming it takes away some of its power.

2. Trust Your Gut

If something feels wrong, it probably is. Your intuition is trying to protect you listen to it.

3. Set One Boundary

Start small. One boundary. State it clearly. Enforce it consistently.

4. Find Support

Talk to a therapist, trusted friend, or support group. You need people who can validate your reality and hold you accountable to your boundaries.

5. Make a Safety Plan

If you're in an abusive situation, create a plan for how to leave safely. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for support.

6. Give Yourself Permission

Permission to protect yourself. Permission to walk away. Permission to prioritize your peace over their comfort.

You are not responsible for fixing them. You are not responsible for tolerating abuse. You are only responsible for your own well-being.

Self-care isn't just bubble baths. Boundaries aren't ultimatums. Forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation. And family isn't an excuse for abuse. You deserve safety. You deserve respect. You deserve relationships that don't require you to sacrifice your mental health to maintain them.

If someone can only access you by harming you, they don't deserve access at all. It's time to put your oxygen mask on first. Protect your peace. Honor your boundaries. Choose yourself. You're not being selfish. You're being wise.

Resources for Support

If you're experiencing abuse:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 | Text "START" to 88788 | <a href="

" class="redactor-autoparser-object"><a href="http://www.thehotline.org

" class="redactor-autoparser-object">www.thehotline.org

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

For mental health support:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 Crisis text line hello or Hola to 741741

NAMI Helpline (National Alliance on Mental Illness): 1-800-950-6264

SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357

Find a therapist:

Psychology Today Therapist Finder: <a href="

" class="redactor-autoparser-object"><a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com

" class="redactor-autoparser-object">www.psychologytoday.com

EMDR International Association: www.emdria.org (for trauma-focused therapy)

Open Path Collective: www.openpathcollective.org (affordable therapy)

Sources

The National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Types of abuse. Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/

Cleveland Clinic. (2022). Gaslighting. Retrieved from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting

U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (n.d.). DSM-5 criteria for PTSD. National Center for PTSD. Retrieved from https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/treat/essentials/dsm5_p...

@Jenny 2024

If this post resonated with you and you need support in setting boundaries, healing from toxic relationships, or navigating the journey back to yourself, explore healing services at Earth Woven Wisdom.

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

We've all heard the advice about letting go of relationships that don't serve us. The toxic ones, the ones that drain us, the ones where the red flags are obvious. We talk about how some relationships are seasons, like leaves that fall, while others are branches, and the special ones are roots that stay forever.

But what happens when you need to let go of a relationship that's close to your heart? One you thought was a root? One where you believed this was your person, your forever connection, whether friend, romantic partner, or chosen family?

The Moment Everything Shifts

Sometimes an event occurs that makes you step back. Maybe you were hurt by them, or they were hurt by you. At first, you move through the predictable stages: you feel wronged, you process the pain. Then you begin to see how you may have contributed to the hurt, and the urge to reach out becomes almost overwhelming. This is usually where most people reconnect.

But what if you took a little more time? What if you really looked not just at the incident, but at the patterns underneath it?

The Question No One Asks

Did the cycle created within this relationship actually serve either one of you?

What if the relationship had gotten stuck in a loop that didn't serve either of you in any healthy way? What if it had become entangled in constant venting, in negative focus, without you even realizing it? Sometimes we mistake intensity for intimacy, or familiarity for fulfillment.

The Space Where Clarity Lives

The more time you take, the more you begin to create other routines that replace the ones you had. And then you notice something unexpected: the pressure lifts. The need to carry the weight of those patterns releases. You notice the peace you now have.

And if you're paying attention, you might notice they have this peace too.

In that moment, there's a bittersweet freedom, knowing you both now have the space, the breathing room, the quiet that you both needed but couldn't find together. There's still sadness for the loss, and you move through that grief. But the peace you both now have is something you'd lost along the way, perhaps without even knowing it.

Knowing you're both moving in ways meant for you, growing in the directions you were meant to grow, brings a softness to the release. It eases the healing process of having to say goodbye.

The Hardest Truth

Even relationships that seem good are not always healthy. Sometimes the ones you think are meant to be there are only meant to be for a season.

When reviewing what's not working in your life, you must be willing to examine even what appears to be working. To do this, you cannot be blind. You must be discerning, objective, able to step back from the situation enough to get a clear view. Only then can you know if it's truly serving you both, or if it's time to say a peaceful "it's time to love you from afar."

It's better to recognize this before everything crashes and burns. Better to see it before you spend more years trying to release chaos that came from things you were blind to, patterns that never served either of you.

The Permission You Didn't Know You Needed

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let go not in anger, not in bitterness, but in recognition that you both deserve relationships that truly nourish you. That peace matters more than presence. That growing apart isn't always failure; sometimes it's the very thing that allows you both to grow at all.

Not all endings are tragedies. Some are simply completions, the natural conclusion of something that served its purpose beautifully, even if that purpose was temporary.

If you're navigating the grief of releasing a close relationship, understanding cumulative grief can help you process these layered losses. Other posts that may be helpful in this time: 

• When grief compounds and relationships shift

• The difference between boundaries and ultimatums

•  Finding clarity through pause and reflection

@Jenny 2025

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

What if the issue is not just them? What if it was not them at all? What if it is you?

Oh, that hits a spot, makes you feel a kinda way?

In today’s world, it's common to find ourselves entangled in the complexity of our relationships. When conflicts arise, we often jump to conclusions, placing blame on those around us instead of looking inward. While we can naturally gain sympathy as the person who appears wronged, we must ask ourselves: could the problem actually be within us? Sometimes, we may be a larger part of the issue than we are willing to admit.

The Blame Game

The blame game is a frequent occurrence in our interactions. When faced with conflicts or dissatisfaction, our instinct is often to look outward for someone or something to blame.

This tendency can become counterproductive. By focusing solely on the actions of others, we may ignore our contributions to the situation. For example, if a friend cancels plans at the last minute and we accuse them of being unreliable, we might overlook a few matters. Matters such as maybe we responded in an untimely manner, and our own late responses contributed to miscommunication. Another instance could be that we are looking from our point of view only, what if there was something on their end that we were not aware of? Anything like a sick loved one, a sick pet, or forgetting a report that was due, maybe they are burnt out and need to get rest. Recognizing that our perceptions are shaped by our beliefs and biases is essential to understanding our role in these dynamics. Furthermore, realizing there is another side to the story, one we do not see.

The Importance of Self-Reflection

Before rushing to conclusions about others, it’s crucial to engage in self-reflection. Reflecting on our thoughts and actions can reveal valuable insights. Here are some questions to consider:

• Are we reacting based on past experiences?

• Are we projecting our insecurities onto others?

• Do we know their side of the story?

• Is there anything we could be overlooking?

Taking the time to examine our motivations and behaviors allows us to understand our role in relationship dynamics. For instance, if we often feel annoyed by a colleague's tone, we might realize it triggers feelings related to an unresolved conflict from our past. Asking ourselves these tough questions can lead to a shift in perspective and greater accountability for our actions.

Understanding Different Perspectives

Each person we encounter carries a unique set of experiences and beliefs that shape their reactions. When conflict arises, it's vital to consider the other person's perspective.

For example, if a family member snaps at us during dinner, instead of reacting defensively, we can try to understand their stressors or emotions. Maybe they had a tough day at work or are dealing with personal struggles. By recognizing that everyone has their own narrative, we can enhance our empathy and foster more constructive conversations.

The Power of Accountability

Taking accountability for our actions is a powerful tool for personal growth. With it comes the responsibility to confront our flaws and shortcomings.

Though it can be uncomfortable, embracing accountability leads to healthier relationships. By shifting away from a victim mentality, we can take control of our choices. For example, if we repeatedly miss deadlines at work, acknowledging our time management issues allows us to create a plan to improve, rather than blaming teammates for their lack of assistance.

Shifting the Narrative

To transition from blame to accountability, we need to cultivate a growth mindset. Recognizing that mistakes are part of life can transform our view of challenges. Instead of focusing on failures, we can ask ourselves how we can improve moving forward.

This shift can be empowering. Viewing challenges as opportunities for growth fosters resilience.

Building Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, understanding, and accountability. When we reflect on our own actions and consider others’ viewpoints, we lay the groundwork for open communication.

This approach can lead to deeper bonds and more meaningful interactions. For instance, by creating an environment of accountability with our friends, we not only inspire them to be more honest but also strengthen our connections, resulting in relationships that thrive under pressure and adversity.

Ongoing Journey of Self-Discovery

The question of whether the problem lies with us is critical. Blaming others for our dissatisfaction provides temporary relief, but true growth comes from self-examination and accountability.

Though the journey of self-discovery may be uncomfortable, it offers substantial rewards. Stronger relationships, personal growth, and a deeper understanding of ourselves can transform our everyday interactions. Let’s challenge ourselves to look inward before pointing fingers.

@ Jenny 2024

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

There is a specific kind of pain in being the one who has been released from someone’s life. When a bond is stretched and eventually snaps, or when someone decides they can no longer walk the path with you, the natural, human reaction is a desperate urge to fix it. We want to repair the wounds. We are not the one who said it is over. So we struggle to release the connection. We want to clarify the misunderstandings. We want to say, I see you, and I am sorry.

But what happens when they aren't ready to hear it? What happens if, in their process of healing, they need space that excludes you entirely?

How we process this matters. It defines not just the health of our future relationships, but the wholeness of our own souls. 

The Reality of Different Memories

We must start with the hardest truth: You and the person who released you likely hold different memories of the same interactions. Where you see a misunderstanding, they may see a pattern of harm. Where you see a shared struggle, they may see a weight they can no longer carry.

It is painful to realize that your version of the "truth" is not the only one. But we must allow them the autonomy to hold their own reality. Trying to convince them to see it your way, even if you truly believe your side is "correct," or you think they do not understand because they do not see your side, is a form of resistance. It prevents them from moving through their healing in their own time and their own way. You also are trying to change how they see the memories. You want to shout No; I am not. I just want them to know where I was coming from. Even if they hear your side, it does not alter hw they view it, how they experienced it, and therefore it will not change how they need to heal from it.  They have to be ready to hear you; this can not happen until they have processed their healing their way, and even when they do, there is a chance they may want to continue on without you.

The Apology Trap

We often rush to apologize in hopes that it will soften the blow or mend the wound. But we must be honest with ourselves: Are we offering a true, unconditional apology, or is it an apology followed by a plea for them to see our side?

When we offer an "I’m sorry, but… I am sorry, I just, I didn't mean, I never meant, etc." When we follow our apology with an explanation of why we acted the way we did, we are not apologizing. We are still negotiating. We are still trying to control the outcome.

A true apology requires no return. It simply says: "I acknowledge the impact of my actions, I take responsibility, and I wish you well." If they aren't willing to hear it, or if they don't respond, that is not your failure. It is simply the current state of the relationship. This is hard when we want the person to remain in our life. It is necessary, and this part being hard shows us that we need to take a pause and go within and focus on our healing, and maybe it is best that it is without them too. (See blog: When good relationships still need to end).

Forgiving Yourself and Releasing the Need

If you cannot speak to them, you can still perform the act of release. Write the letter you’ll never send. Pray for their peace. Meditate on their happiness. You can release the energy of the conflict on your own, without their participation.

One day, they may be ready to hear you. They may not. You have to be prepared for both. For now, focus exclusively on your healing. (See blog post: The Hard Truth About Forgiveness, Boundaries, and Self-Care. )

The Ocean of Healing

Healing is not a straight line. It is an ocean. Some days the flow is soft and calm, and you feel steady. Other days, the waves crash loud and strong. You will likely experience sadness, anger, confusion, and resentment.

• Allow them to surface. Do not repress the emotions; do not let them move in. When we repress them or allow them to be felt longer than their time, we are allowing them to create a home in our heart, mind, and spirit. It is important to find the balance.

• Don't let the hurt become a permanent resident. Feeling the anger, sorrow, greif, and guilt is all a part of the process; ruminating on the emotions is a way of keeping the wound fresh. Again, it is important to feel them but to release them. Do not hold on to them. Yes, they come and go; it is not a one-time deal of feeling it, and it's gone. It is a process, and again not a straight line.

• Seek your support. Whether it is therapy, coaching, meditation, or bodywork, get the help you need to move the energy through your system. (See also the blog post: When Grief Compounds: Finding Your Way Through the Unraveling).

Loving from a Distance

Once you have accepted that their timeline does not match yours, you move into the most profound stage of growth: loving them from afar.

This isn't about giving up; it is about respecting the sanctity of their path. We continue to improve ourselves not to prove anything to them, not to win them back, but because we are committed to our own wholeness. We can hold love in our hearts for them while simultaneously accepting that our paths have diverged.

You can release them to their journey while honoring your own. This is the ultimate act of sovereignty: seeing the threads of the web we are all part of, while trusting that sometimes, the healthiest thing we can do for the pattern of our lives is to let go of the threads that are no longer meant to be woven together. (And lastly, see the post: Beyond the Fading Light: Seeing Our Connections Through Cosmic Eyes).

You are free to heal. You are free to grow. You are free to be whole with or without them.

@ Jenny 2026

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

Remember when Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try"? He wasn't just being cryptic; he was speaking a fundamental truth about commitment and manifestation.

The Hidden Escape Hatch

When we say "I'll try," we're doing something subtle but significant: we're giving ourselves permission to fail before we even begin. We're building an escape route, a way to back out without feeling like we've broken a promise to ourselves.

But here's what's really happening: we're telling ourselves and the universe that we're not ready.

That abundance you've been waiting for? It's still waiting too. Because when we hedge our bets with "I'll try," we're broadcasting: "I don't know if I really want to do this." And the universe responds accordingly.

The "What If I Do It Wrong?" Trap

I know what you might be thinking: "But I say 'try' because what if I mess up? What if I do it wrong?"

Here's the truth: you're still copping out.

Instead of viewing potential mistakes as failures, we need to reframe them as feedback. When we commit fully when we say "I will" instead of "I'll try" and things don't go as planned, we haven't failed. We've learned.

Commitment Creates the Learning Loop

When you say "I will" and commit to yourself fully, something shifts:

• You show up differently

• You pay attention to what works and what doesn't

• You review the results without judgment

• You adjust your approach

• You do it again, with changes

• And again

• And again

• Until you get the results you want

This isn't about perfection. It's about progression through commitment.

Each iteration teaches you something you needed to learn to find the success you're seeking. But this learning only happens when you're truly in it not when you've left yourself a back door marked "I tried."

Holding Yourself Accountable

Here's the uncomfortable truth: no one else is going to do this for us.

We need to:

• Show up for ourselves

• Hold ourselves accountable

• Keep learning

• Keep growing

• Keep doing

When we replace "I'll try" with "I will," we're making a contract with ourselves. We're saying: "I'm ready to learn what I need to learn. I'm ready to grow. I'm ready for the abundance that's been waiting."

The Shift

The next time you catch yourself saying "I'll try," pause.

Ask yourself: Am I leaving myself an out? Am I truly ready to commit to this?

Then take a breath and say instead: "I will."

Watch what happens when you show up for yourself with that level of commitment. The universe has been waiting to meet you there.

@ Jenny 2022

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

In our everyday interactions, the way we perceive others' words and actions is heavily influenced by our past experiences. This is known as perception; it affects not only our relationships but also our emotional well-being. We often teach our children to be mindful of their tone, but how often do we stress the importance of empathy? How frequently do we take things personally, only to later realize that the intention behind the words was not what we assumed?

Understanding Perception

Perception is the way we interpret sensory information based on our experiences, beliefs, and emotions. When someone talks to us, we filter their words through our unique lens. For example, if we have faced criticism before, we might interpret a neutral comment, like “I think we should change......,” as a personal attack.

The Role of Tone

The phrase, "It's not what you say, but how you say it," reflects a crucial aspect of communication: tone. Tone can strongly affect our emotional reactions. For instance, a parent might say, “That was not a good choice,” with varying tones, firmly, gently, or sarcastically. Each tone can lead to very different interpretations of the same message. While it is important to teach children about their own tone, encouraging them to consider how others might sound is equally beneficial. By developing this awareness, they can learn to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.

(Listen to understand...not, Listen to reply)

The Challenge of Taking Things Personally

Taking things personally is a common human experience. When we perceive criticism, our instinct is often to become defensive. However, this immediate response can block our understanding of the other person's perspective. For example, someone might express frustration about a team project. Instead of viewing their tone as a personal attack, we can ask ourselves, “What might they be feeling right now?” This shift in thinking can create space for empathy and greater understanding. After all, it may be something within them and has nothing to do with you. Furthermore, this can also offer you an opportunity to ask yourself, Why do you jump to assume it is an attack on you? Where do you feel you are lacking?

Cultivating Empathy

Empathy is about understanding and sharing another person's feelings. It requires us to put ourselves in their shoes and see events from their perspective. Here are some actionable steps to develop empathy in daily life:

1. Practice Active Listening: Focus on truly understanding the speaker's message. This means listening without formulating a response in your mind. For example, repeating back what you heard can clarify intentions and emotions. Chances are, you will say it how you heard it, and this gives room for them to correct what you heard, to reflect on what they said.
   
   

2. Ask Questions: If someone's tone triggers you, consider prompting with clarifying questions. For instance, Can you tell me more? Is this what you meant… ? This shows engagement and allows for deeper conversations.
   
   

3. Reflect on Your Feelings: When you feel defensive, take a moment to explore why. Ask yourself, Does this remind me of a previous experience? Do I feel a way about my work/beliefs/patterns? Understanding our emotions can lead to more thoughtful replies.
   
   

4. Consider Their Perspective: Think about what the other person might be experiencing. Might they be stressed from work or dealing with personal issues? Considering their situation can spark compassion and ease tension.
   
   

5. Practice Self-Compassion: It is essential to recognize that feeling hurt or defensive is human. Accepting your feelings without judgment can remind you that everyone wrestles with their struggles.
   
   

The Healing Process

To fully understand and move past taking others' tones personally, we need to confront what we may need to heal. Often, our reactions stem from unresolved issues. Addressing these deeper wounds allows us to break the cycle of defensiveness and nurture healthier relationships.

Identifying Triggers

Start by tracking situations that trigger your defensive reactions. Keeping a journal can help highlight patterns in your responses and emotions. This gives you the ability to see where you need to heal.

Embracing Vulnerability

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is a significant step towards healing. When we share our feelings and insecurities, we create opportunities for greater connections with others. Vulnerability fosters empathy and understanding, not only for ourselves but for those around us as well.

Moving Toward Empathy

In a world where misunderstandings are common, nurturing empathy is key to fostering healthy relationships. By shifting our perspective and stepping back from taking things personally, we create a compassionate environment for ourselves and our children. Teaching the next generation the value of empathy will not only improve their relationships but also contribute to a more understanding society. Let us embrace the power of empathy and strive to see life through the eyes of others, ultimately paving the way for healing and growth for everyone.

@Jenny 2022

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

Life often presents us with moments where the path forward is unclear,

times when our minds feel clouded, our hearts heavy, and our direction uncertain. These moments can feel like we’re walking through thick fog, unable to see what’s ahead or where we should go. But, just like an owl navigating through the night, we too have the innate ability to see clearly, even when the world around us seems clouded in confusion.

The Fog: When Clarity Feels Elusive

The fog is a metaphor for the emotional and mental blocks we experience. It’s when you feel like you’ve lost your sense of direction, when the voices of doubt are louder than your own intuition, or when the next step seems impossible to see. It’s a natural part of the human experience, especially in moments of change, transition, or crisis. We all face times of uncertainty when we are unsure of which path to take. But it’s also in these moments that the wisdom of the owl, a symbol of clarity and inner sight, can offer us guidance.

The Owl: Wisdom in the Darkness

In many spiritual traditions, the owl represents insight and perception beyond the obvious. It has the ability to see in the dark, to perceive what others cannot. The owl doesn’t fear the night. It understands that true vision doesn’t come from external clarity; it comes from an internal knowing. The owl teaches us to trust our intuition and inner guidance, even when the world feels unclear or uncertain.

(I would like to note here that in some tribes, they also are seen as death dieties, shapshifters, linked to the underworld. You should not look at or into the eyes of an owl, and you should not take feathers of an owl as well.)

Just as the owl moves through the dark with confidence, we too must learn to trust that we have the wisdom to navigate life’s challenges, even when we can’t see the full picture. Our inner self, our higher consciousness, holds the key to clarity, and when we tune into it, we can move through life’s fog with greater ease.

Tuning into Your Inner Guidance

How do we access the wisdom of the owl? How do we learn to see through the fog? The answer lies in slowing down and reconnecting with ourselves.

Often, we are so caught up in the rush of life that we forget to pause, to listen, and to reset our nervous systems.

The first step in seeing clearly is to take a moment of pause. This could be through meditation, deep breathing, or simply sitting in stillness. By regulating our nervous systems, we create space for our intuition to speak more clearly. Our minds can become less cluttered, and we open ourselves up to receiving the guidance that’s always available to us.

Trusting Your Intuition

Once we’ve created that space, we must learn to trust our inner voice. This can be challenging, especially in a world that often values external validation and logic over inner knowing. But intuition is like a muscle; it grows stronger the more we use it. The more we trust it, the clearer it becomes.

When we embrace our intuition, we begin to trust that we don’t always need to have all the answers right away. Like the owl, we can move forward with confidence, knowing that even in the darkness, we can find our way.

Embracing the Process of Uncertainty

The journey through the fog is not always a straight line. Sometimes, the path becomes more visible only after we’ve taken a few steps in the unknown. There’s beauty in surrendering to the mystery, in allowing ourselves to trust the process even when we don’t know where it’s leading.

The owl doesn’t rush through the night. It moves with intention, quiet and steady, listening, observing, and trusting that everything will unfold in its own time. We can learn a lot from this way of being.

Conclusion: The Clarity That Comes After the Fog

Just like the owl’s wisdom, your inner guidance is always available to you. By tuning in, slowing down, and trusting yourself, you can begin to see through the fog of uncertainty and move forward with greater clarity. Remember, it’s not about knowing the entire journey ahead; it’s about trusting that you’ll always be guided, even when the path is shrouded in mist. In the end, the fog will lift, and clarity will emerge just as the owl’s keen vision always finds the way in the darkness.

@Jenny 2021

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

Compassion is a vital human trait that can greatly enhance our emotional well-being and strengthen our social bonds. It involves recognizing and responding to the suffering of ourselves and others with a sincere desire to ease that pain. This balance between compassion for others and self-compassion is essential for leading a meaningful and fulfilling life.

What is Compassion?

Compassion is not feeling sorry for someone; it’s about understanding their emotions and experiences. Compassion inspires us to act, offering support, listening attentively, or simply being present in someone’s time of need. For example, a friend who listens as you share your problems demonstrates compassion far beyond a mere “I’m sorry.”

Studies show that compassionate individuals often report higher levels of happiness and satisfaction in life. Thus, developing compassion not only helps those around us but also enriches our own lives.

The Importance of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness we extend to others. This practice is crucial, especially when we face setbacks or mistakes. For example, when you miss a deadline at work, instead of harshly criticizing yourself, self-compassion enables you to recognize that everyone has setbacks, it will be ok, and you can keep moving forward.

Research indicates that practicing self-compassion can reduce the risk of anxiety and depression. One study found that individuals who frequently engaged in self-compassion exercises reported a decrease in self-criticism and an increase in self-confidence. By emphasizing understanding and support, we can mitigate negative emotional states and promote a healthier mindset.

How to Develop Compassion Towards Others

1. Ways to help

Active listening is a powerful way to show compassion. This means being fully present when someone shares their feelings without mentally preparing your response. If a coworker is discussing their stress, put away your phone and give them your full attention. Validating their feelings with thoughtful responses can greatly enhance their sense of being heard.

Consider ways you can support others, even in small actions. Simple gestures, like sending a text of encouragement or sharing community resources, can make a big difference.

3. Acknowledge Shared Humanity

Understanding that everyone experiences hardships can deepen your empathy. When you see someone upset, remind yourself that suffering is a universal part of life. This can create a sense of connectedness. A study showed that individuals who practiced recognizing their shared humanity reported feeling more compassion and less isolation.

We do not know what others are going through; it is good to remember that strong emotions come from somewhere/something, and sometimes others just need some understanding and compassion.

How to Cultivate Self-Compassion

1. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about being aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Incorporating mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing, into your daily routine can foster a compassionate environment for yourself. For instance, spending just 10 minutes a day in quiet reflection can significantly reduce stress levels.

2. Challenge Critical Thoughts

Everyone has an inner critic, but it’s crucial to recognize and challenge negative self-talk. When the voice in your head says, “I’m not good enough,” counter it with a more supportive affirmation, like, “I am learning and improving every day.” Research shows that those who actively combat their inner critic experience an increase in self-worth over time. Yes, over time, no, it does not happen overnight; all things that are worth something take time. Do not give up five minutes before the miracle.

3. Forgive Yourself

Forgiveness plays a vital role in self-compassion. Understand that mistakes are not personal failures but steps toward growth. How would we learn if we did not make mistakes? A child falls many times as they are learning to walk, but they do not give up; giving up is not in our innate nature. That child gets up and tries again, and if you look closely, you will see them concentrating on how to be better each time, to get it right; they are aware in these moments. For instance, if you spill coffee on an important document during a busy day, recognize that accidents happen. In moments like this, it is a sign that chaos is surrounding us, and we need to slow down. Hint* Slowing down does not mean stopping; it means breathing and being aware of your body, emotions, and your surroundings. Reflect on what you can learn rather than dwelling on the mistake.

When we see that there is a reason or a lesson in moments like this, our awareness becomes stronger. This results in a greater capacity to know what we can handle, what we can not, and how to manage the two.

A peaceful garden.

Embracing the Path of Compassion

Nurturing compassion towards ourselves and others is essential for emotional health and happiness. Practicing compassion fosters genuine connections and enhances our overall sense of belonging. As we navigate through life’s challenges, let us remember that compassion is a bridge that connects us to ourselves and to those around us.

By cultivating compassion, we can transform our lives and the world around us. Let’s commit to showing kindness, practicing empathy, and nurturing our hearts, creating a society filled with compassion for everyone.

References:

Egan, S. J., Rees, C. S., Delalande, J., Greene, D., Fitzallen, G., Brown, S., Webb, M., & Finlay-Jones, A. (2022). A review of self-compassion as an active ingredient in the prevention and treatment of anxiety and depression in young people. Administration and Policy in Mental Health, 49(3), 385–403. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10488-021-01170-2

Neff, K. (2025). Self-compassion practices. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/

Neff, K. D. (2012). The science of self-compassion. In C. Germer & R. Siegel (Eds.), Compassion and wisdom in psychotherapy (pp. 79-92). Guilford Press.

@Jenny 2023

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

We encounter various personalities with unique quirks, beliefs, opinions, and characteristics on a regular basis. While it can be tempting to assume the role of a fixer, wanting to change or improve others for the better often leads to frustration and disappointment for both parties. Instead, embracing a mindset of acceptance can foster deeper connections and enrich our relationships.

Understanding the Need to Fix

Many people feel compelled to fix others as a way to express love, care, or solution-oriented thinking. This instinct often stems from a genuine desire to help people overcome their struggles and obstacles. It is a belief that helping one change is doing what is best for them.

However, while the intention may be pure, the need to fix or change someone can create an imbalance in relationships. Those who are constantly trying to change others might view their efforts as unselfish or doing the right thing. Still, they often overlook the importance of individual autonomy and personal growth.

Recognizing these dynamics is the first step toward transforming our approach and our own mindset.

The Pitfalls of Fixing Behavior

Fixing others can lead to a host of negative outcomes, including resentment and dependency. When we position ourselves as the savior of someone else's problems, we inadvertently place them in a passive role. This dynamic can diminish their sense of empowerment.

Moreover, pursuing a path of fixing often comes with an expectation a hidden agenda that the other person will change in response to our efforts. This expectation can breed frustration when they fail to meet these standards or timelines. This is especially important when it is believed you have only good intentions and are helping them. What is really happening is that they are not being allowed to walk their own path in their own time. We are controlling their steps, the exact opposite of our intentions.

Being mindful of this dynamic can help us understand the implications of fixing behavior, paving the way for a more harmonious interaction.

The Shift from Fixing to Acceptance

Transitioning from fixing to accepting begins with self-awareness. Acknowledging and reflecting on your motivations can provide clarity on your behavior and its impact on others.

Acceptance does not mean condoning harmful behavior or tolerating negativity; rather, it signifies an openness to individuals as they are. This shift implies honoring their individuality and recognizing that each person is on their unique journey.

Practicing Self-Compassion First

One essential step in embracing acceptance is cultivating self-compassion. Often, the urge to fix others reflects an internal struggle to accept ourselves. Recognizing our imperfections allows us to see that everyone has their own journey, complete with ups and downs.

When we practice self-compassion, we become more empathetic toward others. This newfound understanding makes it easier to create an accepting environment where healing can occur.

Active Listening

Active listening is a vital skill to cultivate when shifting toward acceptance. Often, people just want to be heard. By listening without the urgency to offer solutions, you provide a safe space for individuals to share their thoughts and feelings. Also, not everyone wants you to fix their problems they may just want to vent.

You can reflect their emotions back to them, affirming their experiences without judgment. This practice fosters intimacy and trust, allowing for deeper connections.

Setting Boundaries

Acceptance does not mean allowing negative behavior to permeate our lives. Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. It’s entirely possible to accept someone as they are while clearly defining what behaviors are acceptable to you.

By allowing others to exist as they are without feeling pressured to change, you empower them while protecting your emotional well-being.

Encouraging Autonomy

Empowering others to carve out their paths is a significant aspect of acceptance. Encourage those in your life to explore their feelings and make decisions that resonate with them.

This support opens a gateway for personal growth and self-discovery. By allowing individuals the space to learn and evolve independently, you can enjoy more authentic and engaging relationships.

A mindset of acceptance over fixing.

The Power of Patience

Change is a gradual process. Embracing acceptance requires patience, both with yourself and others. It is natural to desire immediate results or transformations, but meaningful change does not happen overnight.

Practicing patience allows relationships to develop organically. As you foster an accepting environment, you may find that those around you begin to shift their perspectives and behaviors in time.

Reflecting on Outcomes

As you embark on this journey towards acceptance, take note of the changes in your relationships. You may discover more profound connections and understanding, leading to a sense of community and support.

Evaluate how your approach impacts others and yourself. By letting go of the need to fix, you cultivate a space where everyone feels valued as they are. This transformation can lead to stronger bonds and mutual respect.

Conclusion

The desire to fix others often comes from a loving and caring place, yet it can hinder genuine connections and personal growth. By shifting our mindset towards acceptance, we are reminded of the importance of honoring individuality and fostering meaningful relationships.

This transformation is not an easy task, but implementing practices like self-compassion, active listening, and patience can facilitate this shift. Remember that it takes time to embrace acceptance fully; give yourself and those around you the grace needed for this journey.

As you continue to navigate your relationships, embrace the warmth that acceptance brings, paving the way for a richer and more fulfilling life together.

All of this and more is part of the process to becoming sovereign. For more information on the Becoming Sovereign workshop with Earth Woven Wisdom.

@Jenny 2023

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

In our quest for meaningful relationships, understanding ourselves and our partners is vital. Both love languages and attachment styles provide valuable insights into how we express and receive love. These concepts help us uncover how our past experiences shape our current relationships, allowing us to create a healthier emotional environment together.

Exploring the connection between love languages and attachment styles is a powerful opportunity for healing. By recognizing and addressing our vulnerabilities, we can pave the way for more secure and fulfilling relationships.

What Are Love Languages?

The concept of love languages, introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman, categorizes how people prefer to express and receive love. He identifies five distinct love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation: You know the saying actions speak louder than words right? These verbal expressions of love and appreciation are more meaningful to someone whose love language is words of affirmation. For instance, stating “I’m proud of you” or “You make my life better”, or "I am happy I have you in my life," can be incredibly meaningful. Those who lean toward words of affirmation will help boost self-confidence in your loved one, deepen the trust your loved one has in your love for them, and reassure them.

2. Acts of Service: This love language involves showing love through helpful actions, such as cooking a partner’s favorite meal, helping with daily tasks, or errands, or bringing them a glass of water when you get one for yourself. It clearly shows that you are thinking of them, giving them the feeling of being loved and cared for.

3. Receiving Gifts: Thoughtful presents can convey affection. This doesn't have to be extravagant; even small tokens, like a handwritten note or flowers picked from a walk, can mean a lot to someone who values gift-giving.

4. Quality Time: People who appreciate this language of love thrive on undivided attention. It's important to set aside technology-free time to engage in meaningful conversations or shared experiences, which has been shown to strengthen relationship satisfaction for those who thrive on being with you.

5. Physical Touch: This involves expressing love through physical affection, such as hugs, kisses, or holding hands. Individual who are deeply emotional beings value touch from their loved ones. Even sitting next to them close enough for them to lean on you or you on them speaks volumes to them. It not only reassures their knowing of your love it has many physical benefits for you both, even more for them. Have you ever noticed that when you get close to them when they are stressed, they instantly shift their breathing and their stress dwindles away? It is so powerful when you offer love in the way your loved one needs.

Understanding your love language and your loved one's (not just your intimate partner, other family, friends as well) can greatly improve communication and deepen connections.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional responses in adult relationships. There are four primary attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment: These individuals are comfortable with intimacy and show warmth and affection towards others. When their partner is having a hard time, a securely attached person will not take it personally. A securely attached person will give their partner what they need to move through what is upsetting them while taking care of their own needs as well.

2. Anxious Attachment: Characterized by a fear of abandonment, these individuals seek closeness while often feeling insecure about their partner's love. If they are afraid that this good thing could up and disappear, this can also lead to sudden sadness or anger if they think they are losing you.

3. Avoidant Attachment: Preferring distance in relationships, people with this style appear self-sufficient and may struggle with emotional intimacy. Yet more often they are craving closeness, even though it has become known to them as unsafe.

4. Disorganized Attachment: This style blends anxious and avoidant traits, leaving individuals confused and overwhelmed in relationships. Understanding this style can provide insight into complex relational dynamics.

Recognizing your attachment style can help clarify your relational patterns and behaviors.

The Intersection of Love Languages and Attachment Styles

The relationship between love languages and attachment styles is compelling. A person's attachment style can significantly influence how they express their love and how they receive love. Understanding this interplay allows couples to communicate more effectively and better meet each other's emotional needs.

If you pause, I am sure you can see how your loved one has offered love to you based on their love language. Not because they don't want to offer love to you your way, they just may not know how. So, be sure to acknowledge the love they are offering, and if you need more, it is vital to communicate so.

Healing Past Wounds to Create a Secure Relationship

It's essential to recognize that our love languages and attachment styles often stem from past experiences. Many carry wounds from childhood or previous relationships that manifest in current dynamics. The reactions and needs based on the type of love language and ways of attachment give us an idea of what a person may have been through and the support they need to heal. A person is providing a road map to what they may need to help heal old wounds. This also helps someone understand their loved one, and in understanding your loved one deeper, you give the necessary grace and support as they work on healing. It is not only important to understand this to support your loved one, but also so you can reflect on your own ways and responses so that you can work within as well.

Identifying these past wounds is the first step toward recovery. Acknowledging how these experiences influence present behavior can empower individuals to change harmful patterns.

Practical Steps to Reconcile Love Languages and Attachment Styles

1. Self-Reflection: Begin by identifying your love language and attachment style. Journaling can help as you reflect on how these factors have influenced your past relationships. Consider questions like, “What makes me feel loved?” or “How do I respond emotionally when I feel hurt?” As you uncover these answers, you can bring yourself deeper to truly understand and heal.

2. Communicate Openly: Engage in honest discussions with your loved one about your emotional needs. Share your love languages and explore how you can better support one another. Not all conversations will be without emotional highs. Take pauses and breaks in talks if emotions become too high, and revisit when you have had time to feel and explore the emotion and how strong it was. This will help you and your loved one maintain respect during your talks and also create a strong sense of safety.

3. Practice Vulnerability: Be open about your past wounds and fears. Sharing this vulnerability fosters deeper connections and trust between partners.

4. Set Boundaries: Establish a safe space where both partners respect each other’s emotional boundaries. This is especially important as different comfort levels can provoke discomfort or misunderstanding. Having a plan to navigate conversations helps when this occurs.

5. Seek Professional Support: When past wounds feel overwhelming, consider therapy or counseling. A professional can guide you through the healing process, helping you develop healthier relational patterns.

Gift of love.

The Impact of Healthy Relationships on Our Well-being

Building a secure relationship significantly influences overall well-being. Healthy connections provide emotional support, enhance personal growth, and contribute to improved mental health.

Addressing our love languages and attachment styles allows us to cultivate secure attachments. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for navigating challenges together and supporting each other’s emotional needs.

The Path Toward Healing and Connection

Understanding the relationship between love languages and attachment styles is a powerful tool for healing and personal growth. By exploring how past experiences influence our present, we can work toward creating healthier, more secure connections. Through open communication, self-awareness, and vulnerability, individuals can transform their relationships into safe spaces where love can flourish.

This journey may be challenging, but the rewards, deep connections built on love, understanding, and mutual respect, are worthwhile. As we heal our past wounds, we open the door to more profound connections with ourselves and our partners, fostering relationships that truly thrive.

Resources:

Graziano, C. (2024, January 11). Attachment styles and their impact on adult relationships. University of Oklahoma. https://students.ouhsc.edu/news/articles/attachment-styles-and-their-impact-on-adult-relationships

Simpson, J. A., & Steven Rholes, W. (2017). Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Current opinion in psychology, 13, 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006

Sagone, E., Commodari, E., Indiana, M. L., & La Rosa, V. L. (2023). Exploring the Association between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young Adults and Adults-A Cross-Sectional Study. European journal of investigation in health, psychology and education, 13(3), 525–539. https://doi.org/10.3390/ejihpe13030040

@Jenny 2020 - updated in 2024

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.

Life can often feel overwhelming, like a spinning wheel of activities and responsibilities. If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone. Many people find it hard to recognize when it’s time to slow down.

Recognizing the Signs

Becoming aware of when to slow down starts with noticing your body and your emotions. Pay attention to these key indicators:

Are you feeling sore, sluggish, tired?

Do you feel down, sad, upset, or just bah humbug?

These are all indicators that your body and mind are trying to tell you it is time to slow down.

Physical Symptoms

Experiencing consistent fatigue, headaches, or frequent colds can signal that your body is overwhelmed. A study from the World Health Organization found that chronic stress can lead to serious health issues, contributing to diseases like heart disease and diabetes. If you've felt sluggish or unwell, it’s crucial to take these signs seriously.

For example, if you find it hard to get out of bed, even after a full night's sleep, it may be time to examine your commitments. Maybe you’re stretching yourself too thin with work, family obligations, and social engagements.

Emotional Overload

Heightened emotions like irritability, anger, or sadness are also key signs of being overwhelmed. Research shows that emotional fatigue can reduce your ability to think clearly, affecting both personal and work relationships. Take inventory of your feelings; if you often feel on edge or stressed, it is time to pause. Genekeys.com has a wonderful 7-day program (it's free) called Seven Days of grace, give it a peek, it may be just what you need to learn that pause.

Recognizing your emotional state is critical in determining if it’s time for a break.

Declining Productivity

If you notice a drop in your work performance, this is often a sign that you need to reassess your pace. Struggling to meet deadlines or frequently procrastinating could indicate that your workload has become too much. For instance, if you used to complete tasks in three hours but now it takes six, it may be time to step back and reconsider what’s on your plate.

When your to-do list seems endless or tasks become overwhelming, reassessing your priorities can be beneficial.

Assessment of Your Commitments

Reflect on Your Priorities

Take time to think about what truly matters to you. Are your current commitments aligned with your goals? For instance, if you find yourself spending significant time on activities that drain you rather than fulfill you, it’s smart to reevaluate. A study by the American Psychological Association found that 61% of people feel that being busy makes them more important, or if they are not busy they may feel lazy.

By removing non-essential duties, you enable yourself to focus on what truly brings you joy and fulfillment.

Establish Boundaries

Clear boundaries are essential for preserving your mental well-being. When you communicate limits to others, you create space that allows you to recharge.

For example, if you're receiving work emails during family time, waiting until you return to work and reminding colleagues of your availability can help distinguish between work and personal life. When you prioritize your needs, you can better handle the demands of others.

What to Do When You Need to Pause

Schedule Downtime

Incorporating short, regular breaks can boost your productivity and mental clarity. Research shows that taking breaks during work can improve focus by up to 30%. Try setting aside five minutes every hour for constructive activities, like walking, stretching, standing, or taking a few deep breaths. This simple act can rejuvenate your focus and energy.

Engage in Mindfulness Practices

Practicing mindfulness techniques can keep you grounded. Yoga, meditation, and journaling are effective for reducing stress and gaining clarity. Statistics show that mindfulness practices can decrease anxiety levels by up to 50%.

Making time for these activities can significantly enhance your ability to handle stress.

Connect with Nature

A change of scenery can work wonders for your mood. Spending time in green spaces has been shown to reduce stress. Regular visits to parks, whether it’s a short walk or a picnic, hugging a tree can help you feel more relaxed and connected to the world around you.

So go hug a tree!

Fill your mind with tranquility through nature's beauty.

Seek Support from Others

Reaching out to trusted friends or family members can be incredibly helpful. Sharing your feelings not only lightens the emotional load but can also provide different perspectives that you may not have considered.

Practice Self-Compassion

When you feel the need to slow down, be gentle with yourself. Remember, everyone has limits, and taking a break is crucial for your mental health. Practicing self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you would show to a friend. Speak kindly to yourself and acknowledge that it's okay to step back. We often struggle with accepting we deserve a day off, a break, or to not complete every to-do task on the list. This is your hint to take the first step in learning how to take that step back.

Finding Balance

Ultimately, knowing when to hit the brakes and take a step back is about awareness and prioritizing your well-being. By recognizing the signs that suggest it’s time to slow down, you can maintain balance in your life.

Listen to your body and emotions, assess your commitments, and implement practical strategies to create a sustainable pace. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to pause. Slowing down is not about stopping completely; it’s about finding time to breathe, think, and recharge. Embrace the opportunity to slow down and flourish in your endeavors.

For more tips check this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/turning-straw-gold/201109/4-tips-slowing-down-reduce-stress

@Jenny 2024

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, Reiki Master Teacher, RYSE practitioner, teacher trainer, and psychology graduate, integrating traditional healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. Integrating healing wisdom with contemporary trauma-informed approaches. She has been holding space for transformation for over 20 years and is passionate about bridging ancient earth-based wisdom with modern understanding of nervous system healing.