The Hard Truth About Forgiveness, Boundaries, and Self-Care

Why "sorry" without change is manipulation, and why protecting your peace isn't selfish.

A warning before we begin: This post contains hard truths. If you're in an abusive situation or healing from one, some of this may be triggering. Take breaks as you need them. Breathe. You are safe here.

We hear it constantly:

"Self-care isn't selfish."

"You need to forgive, you need to move on, you need to let go."

"But they're family, you have to give them another chance."

And while some of this is true, there's a lot that gets left out of these conversations. Important things. Protective things. Things that could save your mental health, your nervous system, and maybe even your life.

So let's talk about what no one wants to say out loud.

The Truth About Apologies: Sorry Without Change Is Manipulation.

Here's what needs to be said clearly: An apology without changed behavior is not an apology it's manipulation.

Let me say it louder again for the people in the back: If someone says they're sorry but continues the same harmful behavior, they are manipulating you, not apologizing to you!

Real apologies look like this:

I'm sorry I hurt you. Followed by: Changed behavior that shows they understand what they did and are actively working not to repeat it.

Fake apologies look like this:

"I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry, but you also..." "I said I'm sorry what more do you want?" Followed by: The exact same behavior repeating within days, weeks, or months.

Words without action are just words, and when those words are used to get you to drop your boundaries, stay in relationship, or excuse harmful behavior that's manipulation, plain and simple.

It doesn't matter if the person saying sorry is:

Your mother, Your father, Your sibling, Your child, Your partner, Your best friend, Your spiritual leader. A title or relationship does not give anyone the right to harm you repeatedly and expect you to accept empty apologies.

Abuse Is Abuse, Even When It's Not Physical.

When we hear abuse, many people think only of physical violence. But abuse takes many forms, and all of them are unacceptable. All of them cause harm. All of them justify you protecting yourself.

Abuse includes:

Physical abuse: Hitting, pushing, choking, throwing things, restraining you, pulling hair, using weapons. Emotional/Verbal abuse: Name-calling, humiliation, constant criticism, blaming, shaming, treating you like you're stupid or worthless (The National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Gaslighting: Making you question your reality, memory, or perceptions. Denying things they said or did. Twisting situations to make you feel crazy. (Cleveland Clinic. (2022).Financial abuse: Controlling money, preventing you from working, running up debt in your name. Digital abuse: Monitoring your phone/computer, demanding passwords, posting things to humiliate you . Isolation: Cutting you off from friends, family, or support systems. Threats and intimidation: Using fear to control you, threatening harm to you or others you love. (The National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.).

If someone is doing these things to you, it is abuse.

Full stop.

It doesn't matter if they never lay a hand on you emotional and psychological abuse are real, damaging, and deserve the same response as physical abuse: protection of yourself.

What Repeated Exposure to Abuse Does to Your Nervous System.

Here's what happens biologically when you remain in contact with someone who repeatedly harms you:

Your nervous system gets stuck in survival mode. Every time you interact with this person, your body goes into fight-or-flight. Your cortisol spikes. Your heart races. Your system floods with stress hormones. And when this happens over and over without resolution or safety, your nervous system can't regulate itself anymore (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (n.d.)..

This can lead to:

Chronic anxiety, Hypervigilance (always waiting for the next attack), Depression, Physical health problems (digestive issues, chronic pain, autoimmune conditions), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (n.d.). PTSD doesn't just come from single traumatic events it can develop from repeated exposure to abuse, manipulation, or emotional harm. Symptoms include intrusive memories, nightmares, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (n.d.).

(Important note: Only a licensed clinician can diagnose PTSD, but if you're experiencing these symptoms, please seek professional support.)

Your nervous system needs safety to heal. It cannot heal in the environment that wounded it. This is why just forgiving them or giving them another chance isn't always wise advice. Sometimes the most healing thing you can do is remove yourself from ongoing harm.

When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them the First Time.

Maya Angelou said it: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Can people change? Yes. Absolutely.

Will people change? Only if they genuinely want to not because you beg, threaten, or explain enough. You cannot change another person. Only they can choose that.

So if someone keeps showing you through their actions that they will not respect you, will not stop harming you, will not honor boundaries, believe what they're showing you.

If you feel you need to give someone a chance to prove they're changing, you can do that. But do it with: Clear boundaries about what behavior is acceptable, yes there are consequences if boundaries are violated. You must speak them clearly and you must hold to them.

Take the distance that protects your nervous system while you observe their actions. A promise to yourself that if they don't change, you will walk away, and if they don't change keep your promise to yourself. Protect your peace.

The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums.

Many people especially people-pleasers or those raised in dysfunctional families, worry that setting boundaries is giving ultimatums or being controlling.

Let me clarify the difference:

An Ultimatum: "If you don't do what I want, I'll leave." "Change or else."

"You have to choose between me and [person/thing]."

Ultimatums are about controlling the other person's behavior to get what you want.

A Boundary: "I will not engage in conversations where I'm being yelled at. If that happens, I will leave/hang up." "I'm not available to discuss my personal life. That topic is off-limits." "I need you to respect my decision. If you continue to pressure me, I'll need to take space from this relationship."

Boundaries are about protecting yourself and stating what you will or won't accept in your own life.

Here's the key difference: Ultimatums try to control the other person. Boundaries control your own participation.

People who are manipulating or abusing you will often claim your boundaries are ultimatums. They'll say you're being unfair, controlling, mean, or punishing them. This is a manipulation tactic designed to make you drop the boundary.

Don't fall for it.

You have every right to decide what you will and won't tolerate in your life. That's not controlling them, that's honoring yourself. Self-Care Is Protecting Your Nervous System. Real self-care isn't just bubble baths and face masks (though those are nice). Sometimes self-care is removing yourself from situations and people that consistently harm you.

Self-care is:

Saying no to family gatherings that leave you anxious for weeks. Blocking someone's number when their texts trigger panic attacks. Declining to explain yourself to people who won't listen anyway. Choosing not to attend events where your abuser will be present. Taking months or years away from a relationship to heal. This isn't selfishness. This isn't cruelty. This is survival. You are valuable and worth it. Your nervous system needs space to re-regulate. It needs consistent safety, not consistent exposure to harm. You cannot heal in the same environment that's wounding you.

**But They're Family...

No.

I'm going to say this clearly: The title someone holds does not give them permission to harm you.

Grandmother, Mother/Father, Sibling, Child, Spouse, Friend. None of these titles earn someone the right to abuse, manipulate, gaslight, or emotionally harm you.

I know the cultural messaging is strong: "But they're family you have to forgive them. You have to keep trying. You can't just cut off your [mother/father/sibling/etc.]. Yes, you can. And sometimes, you must. If someone only hurts you, they do not deserve access to you regardless of their title.

When you keep giving access to someone who harms you, you are:

Prioritizing their comfort over your safety. Teaching them that your boundaries don't matter. Staying in a one-sided relationship (they won't do the same for you). Damaging your own mental and physical health. And here's the manipulative twist: If they ever do something for you, they'll likely use it against you later. "After everything I've done for you, this is how you treat me?" Why is thier harm to you more imporant than your safty, that is all manipulation and should be called out as so.

The Airplane Mask Analogy

You know how on airplanes, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others? That's not selfishness. That's survival. If you try to put everyone else's mask on first, you'll pass out before you finish. Then you can't help anyone including yourself.

The same is true for your emotional and mental health.

If you keep sacrificing your well-being to maintain relationships with people who harm you, eventually you will collapse. You won't be able to help anyone not them, not yourself, not the people who actually deserve your energy.

So let's be real: It's time to take care of YOU.

Put your mask on first. Protect your peace. Set your boundaries. Remove yourself from harm. This is not selfish. This is self-preservation.

What About Forgiveness?

Here's the truth about forgiveness that many people don't want to hear: Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. Forgiveness does not require an ongoing relationship. Forgiveness does not mean pretending the harm didn't happen.

You can forgive someone for your own peace to release the anger that's eating you alive and still never speak to them again. Forgiveness is for you, not for them. It's about releasing the grip that resentment has on your heart. It's about refusing to let their actions continue controlling your life.

But forgiveness does not mean giving them access to hurt you again. You can forgive and still maintain boundaries. You can forgive and still protect your peace. You can forgive and still say, "I release you, but I will not re-engage with you."

Forgiveness without boundaries is just setting yourself up for more harm. Maybe Later... But Maybe Not. Some people ask: "Will I ever be able to reconnect with them?" Maybe. Maybe not. And both are okay.

If you choose to reconnect later: Make sure you've healed enough to be strong in your boundaries. Ensure they've actually demonstrated real, sustained change (not just words). Keep your promise to yourself: if it becomes unhealthy again, you leave, don't let guilt, obligation, or their manipulation pull you back into old patterns.

If you choose never to reconnect:

That's valid. You don't owe anyone access to you. Some relationships are too toxic to salvage. Protecting yourself permanently is sometimes the healthiest choice. There's no right answer here. The right answer is whatever protects your well-being.

Beyond Forgiveness: Understanding the Web

As we grow and evolve, there's a deeper truth to hold:

Forgiveness transforms when we see with the wisdom that we are all connected all part of the same web of life.

When we truly understand that hurt people hurt people not because they want to, but because they haven't been shown how to heal something shifts. We can hold compassion for their woundedness while still protecting ourselves from their harm.

This is not about excusing their behavior. It's about understanding the source of it.

Your ancestors knew this: we are all threads in the same tapestry. When one thread is frayed, it affects the whole weaving. When someone harms you, they're acting from their own unhealed wounds, their own pain, their own disconnection from the web.

But here's the crucial part:

Understanding this doesn't mean you stay in harm's way. It doesn't mean you tolerate abuse because they're just hurting. Compassion for their pain and protection of your peace can and must coexist.

When you take accountability for your own healing, you model a different way. You show that it's possible to break cycles, to choose differently, to weave yourself back into wholeness. You become living proof that healing is possible.

But it is essential that they are ready to see it. You cannot force anyone to heal. You cannot love someone into wellness. You cannot sacrifice yourself hoping it will inspire their transformation.

They will learn from your example only if they're ready. And whether they are or not is not your responsibility.

The Freedom of Understanding

When we stand in the wisdom of interconnection and understanding, we become truly free.

Free to:

See the humanity in those who've harmed us without needing to maintain relationship with them
Hold compassion for their woundedness while enforcing boundaries that protect our own
Recognize that their actions are their lessons to learn, not ours to manage
Do what is right for our healing our heart, our body, our mind, our spirit
Trust that everyone is walking their own path on the web of life, and sometimes those paths must diverge

This understanding doesn't require forgiveness in the traditional sense. It requires something deeper: acceptance of what is, release of what we cannot control, and fierce protection of what is ours to tend.

The Web of Life Teaches This

In nature, everything is connected. The soil feeds the Tree, The tree feeds the fungus. The decaying remains of the tree return to the soil. It's a cycle of give and take, of mutual support.

But nature also knows about boundaries.

The tree doesn't give away all its nutrients until it dies to feed the soil. It takes what it needs first, then gives from its abundance. The animal doesn't stay near the predator out of compassion for the predator's hunger. It runs. It protects itself.

The web of life includes both connection AND self-preservation.

Understanding our interconnection doesn't mean martyring ourselves. It means recognizing:

We're all doing our best with the healing we've received (or haven't)
Hurt people hurt people, and healed people can help break that cycle
We can hold compassion from a distance
Our primary responsibility is to our own healing, which then ripples out to affect the whole web

When you heal yourself, you heal your lineage backward to your ancestors and forward to your descendants. That is your responsibility. Not fixing those who hurt you.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Old way of thinking:
"I need to forgive them and keep trying to make this relationship work because we're all connected and they're just hurting."

Wisdom way of thinking:
"I understand they're hurting, and I hold compassion for that. AND I will protect my peace by creating distance. My healing is my responsibility. Theirs is theirs. We're connected, but we don't have to be in contact."

Old way:
"If I heal myself, maybe they'll see and change."

Wisdom way:
"I heal myself because I deserve healing. If they witness that and it inspires them, beautiful. If they don't, that's their path to walk. Either way, I choose my wholeness."

Old way:
"Family is forever, so I have to keep forgiving and reconnecting."

Wisdom way:
"We're all family in the web of life, which means I honor myself as much as I honor them. Sometimes honoring the connection means loving from afar."

The Lesson in the Web

Every relationship especially the painful ones teaches us something:

About boundaries (where we need to strengthen them)
About patterns (what we're ready to break)
About worthiness (that we deserve better)
About cycles (how hurt passes through generations until someone stops it)
About our own healing (what we still need to tend)

These lessons don't require ongoing relationship with the teacher. Once you've learned what you needed to learn, you're free to move on.

The web of life doesn't require you to stay tangled with threads that cut you. It asks you to weave yourself whole, which sometimes means cutting threads that no longer serve the pattern you're creating.

You Are Free

When you stand in this understanding that we're all connected, that hurt people hurt people, that everyone is walking their own healing journey you become free.

Free from:

Needing them to apologize
Needing them to change
Needing them to understand what they did
Needing to make them see
Carrying responsibility for their healing

Free to:

Heal yourself completely
Honor the connection without needing contact
Hold compassion without sacrificing boundaries
Trust that the web will teach them what they need, in their time
Walk your path with peace

This is the wisdom your ancestors carried: understanding interconnection while honoring individual paths. Holding compassion while maintaining sovereignty. Seeing the whole web while tending your own thread.

You don't need to forgive in the way the world tells you to forgive.

You need to understand, release, and protect.

Understand they're wounded.
Release your need to fix them.
Protect your peace fiercely.

That is forgiveness at its deepest level: releasing them to their path while honoring your own. We are all connected in the web of life. And you are sovereign in your own healing. Both truths can be held at once.

This is the teaching of Earth Woven Wisdom: connection and boundaries, compassion and protection, understanding and sovereignty all woven together in the sacred balance of healing.

Next: Your Action Steps

If you're realizing you're in a harmful relationship right now, here's what you can do:

1. Name What's Happening

Call it what it is. Gaslighting. Emotional abuse. Manipulation. Naming it takes away some of its power.

2. Trust Your Gut

If something feels wrong, it probably is. Your intuition is trying to protect you listen to it.

3. Set One Boundary

Start small. One boundary. State it clearly. Enforce it consistently.

4. Find Support

Talk to a therapist, trusted friend, or support group. You need people who can validate your reality and hold you accountable to your boundaries.

5. Make a Safety Plan

If you're in an abusive situation, create a plan for how to leave safely. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for support.

6. Give Yourself Permission

Permission to protect yourself. Permission to walk away. Permission to prioritize your peace over their comfort.

You are not responsible for fixing them. You are not responsible for tolerating abuse. You are only responsible for your own well-being.

Self-care isn't just bubble baths. Boundaries aren't ultimatums. Forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation. And family isn't an excuse for abuse. You deserve safety. You deserve respect. You deserve relationships that don't require you to sacrifice your mental health to maintain them.

If someone can only access you by harming you, they don't deserve access at all. It's time to put your oxygen mask on first. Protect your peace. Honor your boundaries. Choose yourself. You're not being selfish. You're being wise.

Resources for Support

If you're experiencing abuse:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 | Text "START" to 88788 | <a href="http://www.thehotline.org

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National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

For mental health support:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 Crisis text line hello or Hola to 741741

NAMI Helpline (National Alliance on Mental Illness): 1-800-950-6264

SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357

Find a therapist:

Psychology Today Therapist Finder: <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com

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EMDR International Association: www.emdria.org (for trauma-focused therapy)

Open Path Collective: www.openpathcollective.org (affordable therapy)

Sources

The National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Types of abuse. Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/

Cleveland Clinic. (2022). Gaslighting. Retrieved from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting

U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (n.d.). DSM-5 criteria for PTSD. National Center for PTSD. Retrieved from https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/treat/essentials/dsm5_p...

Jenny Lancey is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, shamanic practitioner, and psychology student who writes from lived experience about healing, boundaries, and reclaiming wholeness after trauma. She has navigated estrangement, cumulative grief, and the journey of learning to protect her own peace and she's passionate about helping others do the same.

If this post resonated with you and you need support in setting boundaries, healing from toxic relationships, or navigating the journey back to yourself, explore healing services at Earth Woven Wisdom.